Come away with me...

I really miss precious, pure and honest to goodness sweet lovin'...

Here is to a hopeful 2011!!!

Happy New Year all.

With love,

Amy

Merry Christmas Y’all!!!

Hello again world,

Hope things are well in your neck of the woods.

Here we are at the brink of Christmas...

I have three of the most beautiful memorial ornaments and two new adorable doggie ones for my tree and yet no tree. Not a decoration one… Scratch that. I did receive a gorgeous fresh Balsam Fir wreath from Momma and Timbo that hangs on my front door. That’s it. Call me cowardly but I just didn’t feel like looking at all the “Our New Home” and “Our First Christmas” ornaments. My biggest fear of all – that damn camouflage stocking of his. So, in the boxes stored away in the storeroom area under the steps they reside and I like it that way – for this year. I am doing great but Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and the idea of spending it without my favorite person in the world makes me a bit too sad for my liking.

So, what have I done about it??? I’ve redirected my focus. Dave did not care one thing about Christmas decorations. He hated all the traveling and family time juggling acts that always managed to cause friction and piss people off. He liked relaxing, focusing on the true meaning of Christmas and drinking beer or maybe some Makers – or both =). Christmas 2010 – I’m not decorating, or traveling from family to family and I have my Bourbon Slush prepared with Makers ready for my enjoyment (and anyone else who would like to join me) in the freezer right now. I’m focusing on what Christmas truly means. I am celebrating my friends and family, the life I once had and the future that 2011 brings. Damn I am SO ready to kick 2010 to the curb! AND – I get to do that with awesome friends! Welcome welcome 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And for those curious types out there – I am doing so dateless but I do have some cute new shoes to accompany my size 6 ½ ‘s. =)

Merry Christmas world. Enjoy yourself, your loved ones and cherish the time God has gifted you. I wish you all the very best 2011 has to offer.

As always (like my broken record) thanks for the constant love and support. I am living, breathing, smiling and strong because of it. May God bless you all.

With love,

-A-

Prayer Request...

This picture was taken less than a week ago. Sarcoma is relentless and cruel!


Please keep my fellow sarcoma friends (Todd and Karen) in your prayers...

I hate cancer. I despise sarcoma!!!

Thanks Team Dearinger

No words, just a must read for you...

Enjoy...

I did!!!

F-R-I-E-N-D-S, friends...

What’s up world???

First and foremost… THANKS for the amazing response to the (Acceptance…) post from a few weeks ago. I know I should not care what people think. And for just about everything pertaining to my life I honestly don’t. I’m very real, very raw and either you like me or you don’t (but I’d rather you like me =D). I do however care about what people think when it comes to how/when I begin moving on with my life. And I guess I shouldn’t. I just do. But I’m working on that. Thanks to the constant support from my buddy “S” I’m working on letting those fears go.

So what have I been up to??? F-R-I-E-N-D-S, friends. Have I mentioned I love my friends? I’m so blessed with amazing friends. I have young friends, old friends, married friends, single friends, divorced friends, preggo friends, friends who are parents, family who are friends, and even widowed friends. This group makes for the perfect support group. Key word being support. I am SO supported.

This moving on thing is scary. Not cancer scary, but scary nonetheless. That support system is there for me today just as it was when cancer was my biggest fear. My friends never falter. NEVER. And to top it off, those friends know just what to say to me now to show their support. They don’t have to hold back from what they are thinking because they are afraid of my reaction. We are no longer talking about life and death. We are talking about if I am bringing anyone home for Thanksgiving. And by the way, that answer is NO. =) I enjoy getting dressed up and wearing enough makeup to make me look at least 25 but this suddenly single at 30 is tough business. Not to mention I wanna be a momma as bad as I want to take my next breath. Therefore, my biological clock has me into overdrive while my head and my heart are screaming SLOW DOWN. Internal struggles are the worst. But then I have my friends to lean on and it all works out. THANK GOD!

Oh – and to all you friends out there… If you see me begin to drink grape vodka anytime in the near future – remind me that I found myself on a cold bathroom floor at “J & M’s” house with a sore chin for an unknown reason Sunday. Needless to say, it wasn’t a good idea. =) But for some reason, I felt (the club couldn’t even handle me right then). Apparently neither could my alcohol tolerance. Lord have mercy. Grape vodka is ALSO manufactured in hell just beside the Jose Cuervo plant.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving all. Go give thanks and enjoy gorging yourself. So much for losing 11 pounds of my widow weight…

Love ya’s,

-A-

Linkin Park - "Waiting For The End" with lyrics

When there are no words, there is always music...

Acceptance…

How do you deal with the hardships in your life?

Do you think about how difficult your life is? Do you obsess about it? Make yourself crazy going over and over in your head of how you could have prevented such an occurrence? Or do you refuse to deal with it. Ignore it and take an “I don’t care” attitude? Do you become someone you aren’t and do and say things you don’t mean?

Meet the Amy of the last 7 months. I am guilty of all the above. You know, there are books and blogs and movies and therapists out there who can help guide you through life’s tough times. I’m not talking about a broken down car or an empty savings account. I am talking about life’s true challenges.

David’s death was the truest of true challenges for me. And yes, I’ve read books and blogs and watched movies and seen a therapist in order to help cope with such a loss. And yes, for the most part they helped. But it wasn’t until recently the act of coping became natural. Life is beginning to flow. There are speed bumps I hurtle throughout the day but just speed bumps rather than the mountains of the months prior. No, life will never be the same but the fact of it is I must live. I must be honest with myself, my feelings and my needs. I must ACCEPT. I had a great life, a great love, a great husband. But he is gone and yet I live. We are separated by death but we are bonded for life by a love that will never die. This is my cherished treasure I get to carry with me always. And because of this I am lucky. I accept the past and recognize that I HAVE A FUTURE.

So what do I do with that future?

I ACCEPT my past and get busy living. Dave wanted to live so badly. Not exist. He wanted to live. For the last 7 months I merely existed. Shame on me. He wouldn’t want that. He’d want me to live. And with living he’d want me to love. Love myself, my family, my dogs, my friends and my job. He’d want me to be myself. That woman he loved more than life, more than anyone, more than anything in this world. Loving is what I do best. I was blessed with a HUGE heart. Someone reminded me of that recently during a “get honest” heart to heart moment. He said that David knew as he was dying that I would go on loving him for the rest of my life just as much as I loved him the day he died. He also knew that I had plenty of room in my heart for a second love. Not a replacement but someone to love who would love me back. Who would enjoy me and respect me and honor me just as David did. A man willing to share my heart with another recognizing and respecting there is plenty of room for both. David wanted that for me because he knew this would be the only way I’d truly be happy. He loved me that much.

Accepting that truth has been nearly as difficult as accepting that David is gone. But getting honest with me is part of moving on. A part of LIVING.

Dear Amy,

You suck at being single. You’ve got too much love in that heart and you are selling yourself short trying to exist as if your memories will suffice you for the rest of your life. Don’t shut down. Be YOU. The YOU David loved unconditionally and wants you to be. It’s OK. You deserve to be happy again.

Love,

Yourself…

So there you have it folks. I’m not living in bars in stiletto heels and a pushup bra nor am I joining a singles site. I am just LIVING with my eyes and my heart wide open.

Thank you David for the peace and the self acceptance. You are and will always remain my first and forever love. Thank you for giving me the strength to admit to the world and to myself that I am not dead yet and there is no need to act as if I am.

So let the judging begin… =/

Have a great weekend all.

Amy

Oh how I love that Fav-ree guy...

Hey guys,

Quick posting today.

Most of you know my obsession with Brett Favre that dates back to the mid 90’s. Well anyway, I think he is awesome – beyond awesome. Always have and always will. I challenge you to try and convince me otherwise. You will lose. Trust me on this. I think his never give up passion for the game and life in general is something to be admired not ridiculed.

Dave loved to tease me about my obsession, but deep down he understood it. He appreciated Brett Favre for the same reasons I do. Dave treated his life and his illness with the same passion and never give up attitude Brett Favre does football. Let’s face it, Brett is a Grandpa (it's true) and he is still showing up every Sunday to get pushed around by 300+ Lb men (not to mention still launching cannons down the field like he is 20 years old). That is willpower friends!

I know I have spoken to many of you about an adorable couple I know who fight sarcoma together just as David and I did. Although neither David nor I have ever met Karen and Todd, we talked about and prayed for them all the time. I would read the updates on their CaringBridge website describing Todd’s illness to Dave and he would always say how sorry he felt for Todd as he (Todd) was so much sicker than he was. He was right. Not in denial. It is strange how life works. It can and will turn on you fast folks.

Anyway, back to Brett. You must read Karen’s latest update (here) from Wednesday October 6th! WOW. Yep, oh how I love me some Brett Fav-ree (as Dave would teasingly say it)!

I can still hear Dave’s voice shouting to me from the other end of our house, “Amm, your fav-ree guy is on TV.”

With all that said, please keep both Todd and Karen in your prayers. They are an amazingly strong couple and I pray each day that God gives them a miracle - even if that miracle is merely time.

Have a great Friday Eve all!

Love,

Amy

Dear God, I’ve missed You...

Dear God, I’ve missed You.

Well friends I did it. I went to church.

It was AWESOME.

I walked in being so pissed off at God and walked out with peace. No kidding.

I asked Steve (Dave’s BF) who was also there with Lauren and me if he had told on me because the message felt like it was 100% directed at me.

I will never understand why Dave had to suffer as he did and die even after his best efforts to live. Well, I guess I will never understand while on earth anyway. I just need to trust in the fact that it was His plan and it had purpose. I need to live on appreciating the time we did have and letting go all the anger and resentment that has built up over the last 6+ months. After all – that isn’t the me my David loved. I need to be that person again. I need to be me.

Each morning I receive a quotation from the grief website I joined. This was today’s message…

“Today I have a choice. I can think about the past and mourn my losses or I can embrace the future and live in hope.” – Anonymous

It is wild how someday something just clicks, the stars all line up and peace is found.

Today my faith is restored; today I begin embracing my future and live on in hope. And when I have struggles I have God, Church 922, and Pastor C. his gorgeous wife A. to help guide me back on the right path.

Today I am full of the (F) word, and not the one I’ve found myself using very regularly lately. Today I am once again full of FAITH!

I close with a great song. (Who You Are)

Live in hope friends,

Amy

Pearl Jam - Just Breathe

Amazing Grace Followed by a Breakdown...

Hello friends.

I first want to say thank you to those who attended the Hospice memorial service where David was honored. It means a lot to me.

Upon receiving the invitation for this event I was enthused and eager to send in the RSVP. This was 3 weeks ago. My enthusiasm decreased as the day grew closer. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe because I cry over ANYTHING these days, and I’m not a fan of crying in public. Maybe it is because I know David would be singled out in a crowd and he would HATE that. Maybe it is because his parents (the technical ones as he called them) were coming for a change and they haven’t spoken to me since his funeral. I’m the devil didn’t you know? Just ask them. =) If you are buying that I suggest you get some Windex because you are having a hard time seeing through their transparency. Woops did I say that… Well, speaking the TRUTH isn’t a crime.

Anyway, I went. I did great. I was honored to be the surviving spouse to such a wonderful man who loved me so so much. I was strong and proud. Not a tear in my eye UNTIL… Amazing Grace. It wasn’t the familiar melody or the lyrics that set off the waterworks; it was the kind hearted gentleman behind me singing it so beautifully. It was him, Father Schmidt from St. Augustine Church. I have so many great memories at that church.

When I was young (before Lauren even) Mom worked every other Saturday. On those Saturdays dad and I would go to the Dream Street McDonalds, then to St. Augustine with Grandma and Grandpa and then back to their house where we would eat Cracker Barrel cheese and watch The Golden Girls followed by Empty Nest.

Fast forward several years… Grandma and Grandpa had long gone on to Heaven and David and I had just begun dating. For some reason I cannot remember we went to church at St. Augustine. This was David’s first Catholic mass experience. I will never forget David’s comment while leaving the church. “OK, why exactly did he (Father Schmidt) bend down to kiss that book?” Too funny. We still laugh about that. He was so precious!

Hearing Father Schmidt sing that song brought back so many amazing memories. Grandma Selm, PawPaw Leo, Granny Kay, and David… Oh my David.

Cherish those loved ones with us here on earth and celebrate the lives of those who have moved on to the better place this weekend.

David honey, I am going to eat some pig and drink some Killians for you babe.

With love,
Amy

Johann Pachelbel - Canon

Till death do us part?

Till death do us part…


Does that mean David and I are no longer married? Ummm… HELL NO! Happy 6th anniversary to my love in Heaven.


I’m fairly certain nobody is interested in hearing about all the emotions I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not even sure I want to own them. I just know 6 years ago I entered into the most magical marriage. Two became one that day. David died 6 months ago and left me half a person. So the story goes, lonely sad, angry… did I say lonely? I know – a broken record.




I spent my anniversary morning watching my wedding video from start to finish. Some of the best parts twice (like this). While watching that video I was reminded of all the wonderful people who helped make that weekend so memorable. Obviously my amazing mom and dad who spent their hard earned cash on the whole thing. From invitations, to the rehearsal dinner, to the videographer. All of it. Of course I am extremely appreciative of that. But what I was truly drawn to on Saturday was all the unexpected help.


First – my “Aunt” Mary. She was so wonderful at keeping my mom calm and ironing out all the wrinkles of the day. Thanks Aunt Mary. I don’t think we could have done it without you.

My Aunt Ellen. That day we had asked two of David’s family members to be program attendants. One of those ladies was ill and did not make it and the other chose just not to do it at the last minute. Aunt Ellen didn’t take offence that she wasn’t asked initially. She just took charge and seen that everyone received a friendly smile and a program while entering the church. Thank you so much Aunt Ellen. I hope you know how much that kind gesture meant to me (and David too I’m sure).

Laura and Paul. You guys tried so hard. Laura and Paul were about to be 1st time parents. Baby Olivia wanted it to be her special day too so she gave Laura plenty of signs that she wanted to come into the world the very day of our wedding. The adorable anxious couple tried so hard to make it all day, but Olivia had other plans for them. They made it for pre-wedding pictures but that was all Olivia was going to allow. We have the last photo of Laura and Paul lives before they started their ever growing beautiful family. Thank you guys so much for trying so hard to be a part of our day. We felt your love there in spirit.

Jamie Fichner. What can I say about Jamal!?! He wrote a song for us! Jamie, I miss you buddy. I hope you are doing well. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

Aunt Betty. Again, what can I say? She helped me pee she bought me day of pimple crème and she had the pleasure of letting me know my cat shredded my cathedral length veil while we were away at our rehearsal dinner. True story. She made sure only the best worked on my hair to make it just perfect. She is awesome, and I’m so proud to be her mini-me.

Last but not least… Josh. I just love Joshy. Josh lived with Dave and me when we were married. He was a HUGE help. He helped roll silverware, he bought last minute candles, he arranged the party bus, and he took care of our house while we were away. He was awesome, but that is Josh. He’d give you the shirt off his back. It is a story for another day (when I’m ready) but the very last word David said before he died was Josh. Yep – he’s that special.

I leave you with my favorite wedding photo of all time. I’d give anything to see that ring on his finger again. Instead I wear it around my neck… I miss you my love.

Goodnight everyone.


Love,




Amy

Daughtry - September

"September"

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave

And all those days we spent out by the lake

Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made

One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear

So we made our way by finding what was real

Now the days are so long that summer's moving on

We reach for something that's already gone

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town

But we never knew when and we never knew how

We would end up here the way we are

Yeah we knew we had to leave this town

But we never knew when and we never knew how

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

A birthday and a kick in the dick…

9/6/2010

Hello all! I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend.

First, thanks to all those who reached out to me on Friday. The beauty of being an adult is that you can make as much or as little out of a birthday as you like. This birthday was just a technicality for me. I sure didn’t feel like celebrating another year of my life knowing how hard David fought for just another year of his own only to have it be taken away so prematurely by a relentless cancer – sarcoma. Maybe next year – maybe not. If David could speak to me from Heaven he would remind me of how precious life is and that it is to be celebrated. My answer to him would be simple. Living without you love is harder than anything I’ve ever done and celebrating just feels wrong on every level. He accepted all my faults. He above all knew how my crazy mind works and he would expect that answer. He understands. I miss that a lot. I miss it all…

Nonetheless, 31 has treated me well thus far and I’m grateful for all those who are responsible for this. Thank you!!!

Now for the tasteless portion of the title. The Kick in the Dick…

This is a common Dave-ism. He had many. This one just so happens to be my favorite. Yeah, crude it might be. He wasn’t crude. Just honest. Much of his life occurrences were a “kick in the dick.”

He had his dream job. He loved what he did and the people he worked with. He got sick. The economy went bad. WAY bad. He went undiagnosed. He remained sick with some unknown illness for months. He got laid off permanently. He was crushed. He got diagnosed – cancer. He metastasized 3 months later. His illness was terminal. He fought the illness harder than most would have, and he still died. That is the perfect definition of a kick in the dick.

The above – a true story. Unfortunately, I can go all night with similar Dave stories. That too – a true story.

So tonight I decide to get organized. I have TONS of medical bills, hospital literature, get well cards, sympathy cards etc. that I just haven’t been able to deal with. Why I felt like today was the day? I don’t know. Anyway, I have a keepsake tote. Not out for just anyone to see, but not buried away too deep that I can’t easily get it out. Following the theme of today, I organized everything from the smallest to largest. This brings me to the end of the stack (the large end). I had my St. Elizabeth Hospice folder to add to the other folder just sitting in there anxiously awaiting its new neighbor. Curiosity got the best of me, and I had to have a little look-see at what that other folder was. I had just spent the last twenty minutes reliving all the lovely pamphlets enclosed in the hospice folder so it had to be better than that right!?! (Here comes the kick in the dick) This other folder had a label with David Dearinger 9/18/2004 on it. This was our Pre-Cana packet. This was the one day course we attended in order to be married in the Catholic Church. The very first thing (and the only thing I looked at) in the folder was a pamphlet on natural family planning (keep in mind I’m Catholic). I remember that day very well, but nothing is more vivid in my mind than that lecture. I mean come on – ridiculous! Anyway, the conversation that lecture stirred up between he and I is priceless. Here we were about to be married in less than a month. We suddenly found ourselves discussing our future, our family, what kind of parents we wanted to be and when… I just wanted to be a momma by 30. I wasn’t in a hurry. He didn’t want to be an “old dad” so he agreed that by the time I was 30 was ideal for him as well (he’d be 33). We talked about moving from our starter home he built (the home I still live in) into a larger neighborhood closer to his beloved Dixie Heights High School so his son or daughter could also be a “Colonel” like daddy. Ohhhhh reality. F*#k you reality! I close the folder and file all those dreams, all those memories behind his hospice folder. That my friends is THE KICK IN THE DICK!!!

That is what I get for trying to be organized. :/

Off to bed now, trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself.

Love ya,

Amy

Forever Rocking Faith…

9/2/2010

Hello folks! This entry comes with instructions…

** Update **

I disabled the Playlist below. Disregard #1 =)

1) Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page and STOP my playlist from playing (which I suspect most of you do anyhow and that is OK! I know my music is a bit all over the place – kinda like me). =)

2) Push the PLAY button on the video above, turn the volume WAY up and ENJOY.

3) Listen to the FULL song (yes it is long) and know that David loved this song. Yep – it’s the truth.

4) Read the entry below.

5) Listen to the above song again, and feel God and David’s love. They make one heck of a combo!

Below is a beautiful piece written by my amazing little sister (she is 22 years old). David became her beloved big brother from the moment her beautiful big green eyes met his – she was 9.5 then and he was 21. It needs no further introductory - it speaks for itself.

Forever Rocking Faith
by Lauren Elizabeth Finan on Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 9:37pm

Many of us have lost a loved one, friend or someone that had some sort of impact on our life prematurely. Naturally, for us that are Christians, turn to our faith in times of turmoil and pain angrily asking God WHY them? Many of you know that 5 months ago I lost a mentor, friend and brother figure due to cancer so as mentioned earlier I asked, no I demanded, God for a reason for why He could do that to such a humble, selfless and loving man. Well I never got an answer, ever...until tonight.

At church a story was told where it was evident that God heals the spiritually weak. David was physically ill but spiritually GOD healed him. Spiritually David had a faith that kept pressing on. He was ready to hang with Jesus even after all the pain and suffering he went through here on Earth. Pain and suffering I have never experienced and pray I never do, yet I still complain about my life that is full of blessings and beauty. Although the enemy struck David with cancer to keep him from rocking peoples' lives with the love of Jesus the enemy forgot one thing, God had a plan. David may be in heaven hanging out with Jesus but he is still rocking lives and showing people the Love of Christ here on Earth. David's child-like faith may not have been built on years of studying the Bible or years of being submersed in church but he had the key idea, Jesus loved him and he loved Jesus. Why do we forget that? Because we demand answers from God right now on our time, Gods time isn't our time. Therefore, we need to step back and enjoy the little things.

No, I will never be okay with losing a loved one and a void will be in my heart always. After tonight I refuse to have any hate in my heart because of David's death. My heart will be full of love thanks to David's life; after all David wanting nothing more than to live, therefore, it's up to us to live out what David stood for here on Earth so keep living, loving and enjoying every moment in life because we are not promised tomorrow.

Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

God celebrated the day he got to heal and welcome David into heaven.

~ Lauren E. Finan ~

I know right! WOW.

They both are/were pretty amazing people.

For those of you who know Lauren personally, I invite you to ask her about her tattoo. No, not if it hurt, how much it cost, who did it. Ask her what it means to her. I absolutely LOVE when people share “David stories” with me. This one is the best, and my vocabulary couldn’t do it justice. It is Lauren’s story to tell anyhow, but it is an amazing one.

Love to all,

Amy

Let’s talk triggers…

8/30/2010

Let’s talk triggers…

What triggers do you have? I can hear you thinking right now – What the hell is she talking about, triggers?

What triggers your mind to drift off to good/bad memories?

Last Monday I had dinner with my bestest 70+ year old buddy Russell. It was a good time as usual. Then it came time to pay and we of course battled for the check as usual. He reached for his wallet as I did mine. I manage to pay for the tip as he picks up the meal… In other words, I lost! Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice that Russell’s wallet had seen better days, and me being outspoken me tell him as much. He replies (as he proceeds to show me) that it “fits just right”. He’s referring to the shape as it hugs his but cheek just perfect. =) I laugh along with him as I’m now 100% sold on the fact that a good ole wallet is much better than a stiff one any day – on your rump that is.

What I do next is what leads me to this posting…

I then reach into my “David pocket” of my purse. You see the center of my purse has a zipper compartment. In this compartment are my David items. I keep them there. I like them there. Judge me if you wish. They aren’t going anywhere. I like these items just where they are and they will stay there – thank you. Anyway, David’s wallet is in that pocket. I suddenly couldn’t help but to look to see if David’s wallet had the comfortable buttocks curve as Russell’s did. The answer NOPE. Why? Because David had NO ass. None. Notice the picture below. Yes, that is him. No ass and all. He does however have awesome hair and super cool shoes on in this picture (racing Pumas). We were even at Elliott Sadler’s house here and David could not wait to go check out his hunting dogs – of course).

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know – Russell lost his wife to cancer 366 days before I lost David. Yes, they died one year and one day apart. They both battled a long long time. Russell and David became very close during the last year of David’s life and for this I am very grateful. I am however more grateful that I had Russell to prepare me for what I was “in for”. He would explain that he would tell me everything he knew about the death and dying of a spouse but that I wouldn’t understand it until (if) it happened to me. But what he did tell me – let me just say, he was dead on and I will never be able to repay him for his wisdom. He was also dead on about needing to live the experience to understand it. There just aren’t words to explain what it is like to whiteness what he and I did. God is amazing and He knows just when to place certain people in your life. I’m still pissed at Him, but He is good – without a doubt.

Back on track… The wallet… When Russell seen that he had a FIT! “What are you doing carrying that around? No wonder you are sad all the damn time.” You have got to put these things away someplace special so they aren’t in your face all the time.” Let me just tell you, Russell is the ONLY one who can speak to me this way. Trust me – don’t try it. Is he right – maybe? The wallet stays! The wallet is a trigger. For me – a good one. I have SO many good ones. I’ve also gotten pretty good at getting rid of the bad ones. Like my house. MANY people thought that I’d move out. Some for financial purposes alone (just made my 6th payment by myself thank you very much) and some for emotional purposes. But that house contains so many AMAZING memories. I’m staying! With my master bathroom door shut that is. I can’t do it. I have this one memory from in that room when I had looked in at what used to be a strong healthy young man with big muscles and great color to a seeing a pale, bald, and thin man with no muscles and droopy thin skin trying so hard to keep enough strength up to finish brushing his teeth. This was the day it hit me – he wasn’t going to get better. I was right. I can’t even look at that sink anymore – so I don’t. I have two other toilets in that house and it is just me. You do the math. There aint’ a damn thing wrong with that.

So I ask again. What are your triggers?

Here are some of my favorite good “David triggers”…

Tulip Poplar Leaves

Walk Behind Mowers

Dodge Ram Trucks

Toby Keith (and their identical backsides – as I noticed at the concert Friday)

Bud Light Beer

Puma Shoes

OK – I’ll be here all day with this.

To sum this up… My Grandma carried my deceased Grandpa’s wallet to the day she died so I can too! =)

Love ya’s,

Amy

Friends

One of David's Favorite Songs...

8/26/2010

Have you ever had something that weighs so heavy on your mind and in your heart you just cannot let it go no matter what you do? David is that “something” for me. Some days he is so heavy I feel as if I’m suffocating, and some days (the good days) I feel his strength helping me carry him right along with me. Usually those thoughts are pretty selfish ones. I say that because they are memories of just the two of us. The things we did, places we’ve gone, discussions we had. But lately, those thoughts have included a lot of folks. Our friends... We are so blessed with amazing friends. What is so great about those memories is that most of them are from before cancer took over our lives. Back when I wasn’t the caregiver. I was the wife in every sense of the word then. I’ve been missing being the “wife” for much more than 24 weeks, and unless you have walked in my shoes there isn’t any way you can fully understand what I mean by that. Be very grateful for that ladies.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the softball games, lake trips, Gatlinburg trips, cookouts, camping trips (and NO I still don’t want no F-ing pork chops). =) God did we have some good times with amazing friends. Strangely enough, thinking about those times doesn’t make me sad at all. Thinking about David not getting to experience those fun events anymore does however. A lot! But nonetheless, I am SO grateful he had those moments. I suspect that those events – those fun moments – those great friends are a big part in what kept him here with me fighting so hard – maybe for just one more Cumberland trip or to see if he could manage to catch a creek on fire for a second time (now that is a classic – thanks for reminding me of that Jason)! Anyway, all I want to do now is pick up the phone and thank each and every one of those friends for that.

Someone once told me that most couples live a lifetime together and never experience the fun, the joy, the laughter and most importantly – the love that David and me did in our all too short 12 years together. I heard that comment, I retained it, but it wasn’t until now that I truly believed it. It took me setting aside my selfish thoughts of just us and reflecting on our life experiences with our friends - the times BEFORE cancer to believe it. I suddenly feel less cheated. I feel lucky. Wow. I went from self pity to feeling lucky!?! Shew – my head should be spinning from that 360!!!

So, what is your favorite David story? I'd LOVE to know!!!

With love,

Amy

The Unexplained

8/18/2010

Things that make you go hummm…

I am a very literal person. I’m a believe it when I see it - show me don’t tell me kinda gal. I’ve always have been and probably always will be.

I haven’t kept it a secret that I see a psychologist to help me cope with my tremendous loss. (Thank you to those who reached out in support of me after that posting by the way!!!) Anyway, Dr. Pete tells me ALL THE TIME that I need to calm down. I need to look hard and listen even harder. That David is with me in all that I do, but I’m too stinkin literal to see or hear him. Back to the believe it when I see it - show me don’t tell me thing. Hurting as badly as I am and missing David as much as I do, there isn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t give or do to feel his presence. With that said, I am who I am. David knew me better than anyone so he of all people would know how to send me a sign that I’d buy into.

Example #1

July 2009

Notice the flowers on the right-hand side. Those are annuals. They live just one year and die for good at the end of the season.

August 2010

Check out this flower. This one came back. It is the only one in the entire flowerbed. Hummm…

Example #2 (my favorite)

August 17th, 2010

Baby Maci was born at 12:11AM Tuesday. She is beautiful and the happy and healthy new family is all doing great.

Take a look at the stool in the photo below. I don’t know how much you buy into spirits and whatnot. I’m not 100% sold on it, but I do know there are things in this world that are unexplained. I also know David LOVED the television show Ghost Hunters so he was all about it. Not so much a believer in ghosts, but spirits – yes. Notice the orb? You believe what you want, but I will say with 100% certainty that if David could hang out here on earth checking in on us, he would have been there checking in on the A. family at that very moment.

My Guardian Angel

My angel's right beside me,

wherever I may go,

keeping close watch over me,

he's my husband don't you know.

God took him away from me,

not so long ago,

but he promised he'd never leave me,

dear lord I miss him so.

But I know he's right beside me,

wherever I may go,

for he's my guardian angel,

my love, my life, my soul.

~Unknown~

Congratulations Kristi and Jeremy. Welcome to this world Baby Maci. “Aunt” Amy and one of your many guardian angels “Uncle” David love you oh so very much!

With love,

Amy

An apology

8/15/2010


For those of you who assured me months ago the worst was yet to come. That I was still numb and that I would be worse before I got better. Well, I say as much with my eyes as I do with my mouth. With that said, I’m almost certain that without so many words I looked at those people after they said such things as if they were crazy. I just knew I was feeling every emotion back then.


I was wrong.


For that, I apologize.


From the moment I turned the calendar to August I’ve fallen way down hill. I knew what this month – what next month meant to David and me. Our birthdays, our anniversaries. The start of High School, the Bengals, and of course his beloved Ohio State football season. This was by far our best time of the year. So many great things to look forward to. So many great things going on. And then it was August 2010…


Then, Friday morning I received this email…


Amy

David Dearinger's (davidd86@fuse.net) birthday is on Friday August 20th. David will be 34 years old.



Click below to choose one of our specially recommended birthday greeting cards and we will send it on David'sbirthday...



http://www.BirthdayAlarm.com/eCard/297317831a1b790370843c75695657?MID=1955



Kind Regards,



BirthdayAlarm.com


That was tough enough, but nothing compares to what happened at 2:00 AM Saturday. The numbness wore off the moment David’s little princess Libby (our 5 year old female dog) got sick. Not just sick – serious sick. It was that very moment I needed and missed David more than ever. I felt so helpless and yet I had to be there for Libb. I know she is “just a dog” but for those of us who truly know David and me – these two dogs are our children. They are spoiled, cared for and loved just as if our genetics brought them into this world. Here I was with a dog that was miserable, at the ER vet with all these decisions to make. David and I were a team and making such important decisions was a joint action. It wasn’t until I was that scared that the full aloneness set in. What an empty feeling. Just horrible!


The good news, Libby is on the road to recovery. She is still uncomfortable, is on three medications and needs follow-up vet visits, but she is gonna be okay. The irony to all this – when the vet came out to tell me Libby was waking up and that the procedure went well she looked at me and said, “either that dog has a huge pain tolerance, or she is one tough puppy.” Yep – she is her daddy’s doggie. That is for sure.

So, here I am. About to begin what I know will be a bittersweet week. You see, David should be turning 34 Friday, and the fact he isn’t is making me insanely mad. On the other hand, with the death of one amazing man comes the birth of a very special child. Baby Maci A. will be here sometime tomorrow (Monday), and I know her guardian angel “Uncle” David will be there to see that her grand entrance into this crazy world is as healthy and happy as possible. That I know and find comfort in.


Please say a prayer and think good thoughts for Kristi, Jeremy and Baby Maci tonight.


Have a great week all.


With love,


Amy

Catching up...

8/3/2010 – 8/4/2010


Hello loved ones and welcome to the month of David otherwise known as August.


So, what has gone on since my last posting?


The David Dearinger Memorial, Swinging for Sarcoma Charity Golf Scramble was on Saturday July 17th. I cannot thank those who came out to honor David’s memory enough. Please enjoy some photos from that very special day.


We celebrated Momma’s birthday on Monday the 19th. God love her! She is being such a trooper recovering from the back surgery she had just the week prior. She accredits all her braveness from watching the best patient to ever exist. Just ask her. She loves to speak of her “son’s” courage. I know she has made him proud. Happy birthday momma! Way to be strong.


The “homework” project went into full effect Wednesday the 21st. I cannot thank Josh, Michelle, Steve, Amy and Clark enough for helping me tackle the HUGE painting project. Even when my air conditioner went out during the night of the 23rd, they still pressed on in a 94 degree home getting it DONE. Wow. Now those are some friends! Thanks again guys.


Speaking of great friends… Bridget and Jason F. took me to Hullabalou Music Festival in Louisville, KY on Sunday the 25th. What a wonderful time that was! AMAZING. Seeing Dave Matthews and Zac Brown jam together was the by far the highlight of the concert. Thanks again Mr. & Mrs. F!


On Wednesday the 28th of July my friend Mark got to throw out the first pitch at the Florence Freedom game. He bid on and won that opportunity at David’s benefit in January. Mark did a great job, and I still get chills thinking about David’s name being called over the loud speaker at the ballpark. Thanks again Mark! I know you made him proud, and that he drank a beer or two or ten for you in heaven that night. =)


Now to Saturday. What a great day Saturday was. First, Elliott Sadler WON! (More on him to follow) This Saturday we dedicated David’s tree in our backyard. It was a wonderful party for the most deserving man. Thanks to everyone who came out for the celebration. You ate all the food, drained the keg, had a great time and partied just the way David would have wanted. I know he was thrilled with the turnout. He was probably not too thrilled with my excessive tequila consumption, but like me – thankful I have wonderful friends and sister to put me to bed. Yes, I have now seen the pictures and WOW. I’m thankful they were taken on MY camera and I have the veto power.


On a serious note… I wanted to have this party for everyone who has been so great to David and I over the last three horrendous years. I know I will never have the opportunity to repay you all for the countless wonderful things you did for us. I just need you all to know how much WE appreciated it. I will never get tired of saying thank you. I may have not gotten dealt the best hand of the deck, but I sure have been blessed with the most amazing friends and family to help me play it out.


Now, Sunday. Sunday S-U-C-K-E-D! If I ever get my hands on Jose Cuervo he is a dead man! Seriously, is tequila manufactured in hell? Anyway – I was due at Waffle House at 10:30 AM but that didn’t happen (sorry again guys). Then Momma called to tell me my “kids” missed me as they had spent the night with grandma and grandpa. This led me to somehow coaxing my body up and venturing out to pick them up. Luckily they were exhausted from their overnight adventure, and they were 100% content with spending the day watching the race from bed and sleeping with their pathetic momma. Anyway, if you know me at all you know I am 110% race girl. I love racing – NASCAR racing in particular. David and my favorite driver is Elliott Sadler. As mentioned above, he won just the day before. Yea! Anyway… Amy on a typical race day is alert; ready with laptop in had listening to the radio communication between Elliott and his crew all the while eyes glued to the race. Sadly, Sunday I wasn’t up for such enthusiasm. The race was on, but I was clueless what was going on. All of a sudden something (or some heavenly angel) woke me up just in time to see the most horrific wreck in NASCAR history. (Truly it was as the data has come back the impact was the hardest ever to date). It was Elliott and I swear he was dead. His neck should have broke. Either that boy is living right or his number one fan was riding along with him that very moment. Either way, I’m grateful! Check out these pictures of Elliott in victory lane with his 6 month old precious son Wyatt on Saturday. That baby needs his daddy. So, if you aren’t a race fan but are curious why I am so hyped up about this accident, check out this video. God and David is good team!!!


Finally, I know I promised pictures of the completed homework. To be honest… I haven’t taken the “after” pictures yet. As soon as I do, I’ll get them posted.


Love ya’s,


Amy

Progression...

7/13/2010


Hello friends and loved ones. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. While at work I’m trying to solely focus on work, and when I’ve been home let’s just say I’ve been BUSY!


So, what has happened since my last posting???


THIS…

What you see above is one wonderful man’s life laid out in piles and piles and piles inside our garage. Going through his things was by far the hardest task yet. But it had to be done. He would want me to give his clothing to those who could use it, and this is what I did – reluctantly. I called up all his friends similar in size and here they came. It was MUCH easier on me than I expected. Even when I saw one of his shirts being warn the very next day I was strangely fine. If anything – honored to see it warn on such a well deserving friend. Jeremy – you sport the “Lawn Rocket” t-shirt well. =)

Anyway, I’ve been told that many people read my blogs and find inspiration from them. Wow. Me!?! This is a bit scary. Nonetheless, if this is true then it is my responsibility to be 100% honest in my entries. My new found vigor did not come from mere time, or strength from within. You see, David wasn’t the only prideful person in our marriage. I myself have a touch of pride as well. Time to swallow it and get honest.

Not long ago I wasn’t doing well at all. I am sure that is the complete opposite from the response you received from me when you asked that famous question, “How are you doing?” Truth is, with each waking day I only got worse. It was bad. So, with the recommendation from Dr. Mannion’s P.A. Tahnya, I went to see my doctor. Apparently I now suffer from PTSD on top of my extreme grief. I thought PTSD was something only soldiers got. Who knew!?! Needless to say, I needed help and I find that help each week in therapy. Yes, strong Amy goes to a great psychologist every single Tuesday. As private of a matter this is to me, I’m not ashamed to share it with the world. The feeling of David’s loss is so profound. As his adoring wife, I should be altered. I should be broken, and at times lost. But also as his adoring wife, I should take care of me as this is what he would want me to do. So, if anyone reads this that could use a little help, but like me is too prideful to seek it – trust me, it is worth it. I go for an hour a week, and I get to talk about how wonderful my husband was. How much I miss him. How disappointed I am in God for cutting his life too short. How disappointed I am in the important people in his life who never treated him how he deserved or embraced the love he had to give. Then at the end of the session I get to talk about me and with the help of Dr. P figure out just who ME now is. For the first time in 13 years I am learning how to be just Amy instead of Dave and Amy. It isn’t easy by any stretch of the word but I’ve made progress.

My “homework” is to make my house more my own. By this I mean, rearrange furniture, paint, and hang new pictures. I’m fully engaging myself into transitioning “our home” into “my home.” It’s a big project, but rewarding nonetheless. Friday I even get the new carpet David always wanted. I know this will make him very happy. Sending a huge thank you to Kim for treating me so well, and allowing me the ability to afford such a new luxury.

Stay tuned for photos of the newly updated version of “my place.”


Take care all. I look forward to celebrating David’s life with a lot of you at his memorial golf outing on Saturday! Oh – the deadline to register is THIS Thursday the 15th at noon. Just send me an email, text or phone call if you want to join us. TurfGirl97@aol.com or 859.743.8122.


With love,


Amy

Reflections...

6/18/2010


Hello guys,


I hope this has been a great week.


I’m gearing up for the big Goettafest tonight in Covington with my little sister. That should be fun =).


Friends, I have one quick request and then I will move on… I plead with you not to take this harshly. PLEASE do not remind me that I am young and that chances are I will find someone special to spend the remainder of my life with. Also, PLEASE don’t tell me that you know Dave would want me to find someone new. There are literally 4 people (myself included) who “knew” Dave. So few people truly did. He was a very closed off person. Extremely. If he let you in, you are very very special. Consider yourself privileged as I do very much. Anyway… Dave and I talked about everything, but one thing he could NOT talk about was what his wishes were for me once he passed. He did not want to talk about that. He did not want to think about leaving this earth without me, nor did I want to consider continuing on this earth without him. We had hopes, dreams and goals that we were so anxious to live out. Cancer killed those, and thinking about developing new hopes, dreams and goals with someone new makes me want to vomit. I swear the next person who even begins to say such a thing may very well be puked all over. So again, out of respect for David – he fought so hard to live, let’s not think about his replacement so soon. I surely AM NOT, so save your breath. I do however appreciate your concern. Truthfully I do. David would want me happy and that is what I strive for each and every day. Just trust in that. His motto: Live life each day to the fullest finding fun in everything we do.


For fear of being too repetitive, I will not be posting about what I’m feeling these days. You see, not a lot has changed in that department and I suspect it won’t for a LONG time. With that said, how about memories? I like the idea of sharing memories. I know I will never forget David. I do however fear that some of these amazing memories will become less vivid over the years, and that idea makes me cringe. So here goes…


Wednesday 29th August, 2007 – Ann Arbor, MI (David’s most hated place in the country - GO BUCKS!)


This was the day David and I traveled to The University of Michigan hospital to see Scott M. Schuetze, M.D., Ph.D. AKA – Dr. Shitty. This sarcoma specialist (or so he called himself) told us a lot of things during this first AND ONLY visit. This was our take home message… David was going to die. Don’t have kids. He would not live 18 months. Nothing but statistics and NO HOPE. NONE. Needless to say, that trip was horrible! The ride home – torture.


David had to return to U of M on Wednesday September 12th, 2007 for a procedure to confirm Dr. “Shitty’s” assumption that David had more sarcoma in his left lung (what was left of the left lung that is). The trip was planned, reservations made and we were set. EXCEPT this time ole’ Timbo (my Daddy - Timbo was what Dave called him) was NOT going to let us go alone. So off the three of us went. We got there a day in advance because David’s procedure was very early that Wednesday. That morning we got up in the hotel room and traveled the short distance to the hospital. David had one of the most amazing doctors performing the procedure on him. He briefed us on what was about to happen and asked us about the history of David’s illness. Mouthy me HAD to tell him about our Dr. Shitty experience from just a few weeks prior. This doctor, Douglas A. Arenberg, M.D. was appalled. He was apologetic about our experience and was much more optimistic about what he would find in David’s lung. He put the wind back in our sails even before the biopsy was performed. After the procedure Dad and I were called into the consultation room, where Dr. Arenberg shared the BEST news possible. The area in concern from the PET scan was benign and David was (at the time) cancer free! We were elated!!!! My emotions at that moment are indescribable. FINALLY we were able to see David. He was still a bit affected by the anesthesia and was unaware of what the biopsy had shown. I will NEVER forget the look on David’s eyes when he was told it was not more cancer. What happened next still brings tears to my eyes, and chills to my skin when I think about it. I remember so vividly looking over to my daddy as he was looking over a very happy David, and seeing huge tears of joy in ole’ Timbo’s eyes. This was a sight I had rarely seen in my then 28 years. I was so affected by those tears. It was that very moment when I knew my daddy loved my husband just as much as he loved me. What an honor it is to have two men so wonderful in my life. All I could think about is that David was going to live and I can continue sharing him with dad and my other amazing family members for a long long time.


We all know how the story changed that October, but what never changed was that love for David. I am still just as blessed to be loved by two amazing men, and that love will live on forever. Today - just two days prior to Father’s Day I celebrate them both. To the great man and father, Timbo and to another great man who would have also been an amazing father, David.


Daddy – here is our song
David – here is our song


Happy Fathers Day to all you other amazing men out there.


Until the next memory…


With love,


Amy

Perfection

6/11/2010

Hello all. I hope you have had a nice week.

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week about mine and David’s wonderful marriage, and that thinking has led me to this posting. I hope you enjoy.

What makes a good marriage? Is it the income, the home, the cars, the family, the sex? What is it? What makes it “work”?

I have heard so many people say that a good marriage takes work. Hummm… David and I discussed that a lot. Work? You see, there wasn’t a lot of work involved with our marriage. It was easy. Effortless. It just was and what exactly it was – perfect. No, not flawless but perfection does not need to be flawless. Ladies, let me point out your engagement ring. Is that diamond flawless? No – but to you I am sure it is perfect. You get my point? Perfection = When to souls come together and become one, when a relationship is established that is unbreakable, when love is given unconditionally. That is perfection. On 9/18/2004 David and I celebrated our “perfection” and that will continue throughout eternity.

So again, what makes such a good marriage? I’m no expert. When you look at it, I only have 5.5 years worth of experience. I will give myself some credit though. In those 5.5 years – over 3 of them were spent experiencing what most people endure years and years into their marriage if ever. Nevertheless, here is my two cents.

It is the little things. That is it in a nutshell. Do I miss living in our home together – yes, Do I miss driving David anywhere he wanted to go – yes, do I miss our amazing family time – yes, do I miss making love – YES! Those elements were great in our marriage, but what made us tick, what made us great were the little things. Those millions of precious, irreplaceable little things.

So, what are your little things?

What would you miss the most if all that were gone in one single heartbreaking moment?

Need a little help?

If I were presented these same questions just one year ago, I’m sure my list would be way shorter than what I can come up with today.

Here are some samples of my own little things my heart craves each and every moment of every single day.

- Seeing David walk down the hallway in his boxers on a weekend morning after he FINALLY has woken to spend the day with me. =)
- Hearing David chop ice with his teeth even though I HATE that sound
- Listing to David mumble his favorite songs under his breath as we drive down the road
- Seeing the happiness in David’s eyes while being surrounded by our loving and supportive friends and family
- Witnessing those famous dance moves that were so rare and seen by so few
- Simple trips to Kroger – his joy in my thrifty coupon clipping, and his produce knowledge. He could tell me what every fruit, vegetable, herb was – you name it he knew it
- The freckles, those eyes – that laugh. Oh God that unmistaken laugh…

My point to all this is, don’t wait until it is too late to fully appreciate those small things. Appreciate them today because when (If) they are gone, you would do anything to have them back. What I would not give for one last Kroger trip!

Here is a tribute to my amazing marriage I brag constantly about… Enjoy! =)

Have a wonderful weekend full of love and fun folks.

Amy

Welcome June...

6/6/2010



Happy Sunday evening to everyone. I hope this has been a nice weekend.





So what has been going on in the world of the newly widowed??? Isn’t that always the question? Well – the more popular question is “How are you doing?” Answer - I'm alive... And it’s a blessing. My amazing husband taught me that.



Starting off with Memorial Day weekend seems appropriate. It was a BLAST! I cannot thank Jeremy, Kristi, all the Arrasmiths, and their generous friends enough. It was by far my best weekend since David’s passing. The good memories - pre cancer memories were so prevalent in my mind the entire weekend. Boy was that treasured! I just wish those memories stuck with me more so than the post cancer ones do. Anyhow, it was a great trip complete with amazing food, delicious drinks and even a precious playlist dedicated to David created by Jeremy. What amazing friends the A’s are! Click here for one song selection from Dave's playlist





Monday I spent the day honoring my beloved David’s memory by putting a nice edge on his tree. I planted beautiful red Gerber Daisies (one for each of us – Daddy, Mommy, Vinnie, & Libby) around it, installed a light that shines just bright enough at night to see his beautiful face on the memorial plaque from my bedroom window, and of course proudly added his Ohio State sign and flag. I know he would approve, and would be impressed with my meticulous work as if it were work done by his own hands. After all, it was done in his memory. David never cut corners as he was quite the hard working perfectionist. I loved that about him. That and for many many many other reasons, but I know that comes as no surprise to you.

Wednesday I spent the evening with one of my favorite friends Russell. Many of you have heard David and I speak of Russell, but unfortunately not many of you have had the pleasure of meeting him. Let me just tell you, he is awesome. Russell is a 70 something year old widower. His Sarah fought the great cancer fight for many many years. I was very blessed to have the opportunity to meet Sarah before she died. She had the same impressive “never give up” will to fight just like David. Sara lost her battle on March 13, 2009. David almost died the same day just one year later. Russell spent a lot of his lonely evenings last summer having David and I over to can fruits, vegetables… whatever he had fresh that day. He is responsible for teaching David and I to can. David and I thoroughly loved our evenings with ole’ Russell (as David called him). Now that David and Sara are both gone, Russell and I both continue on with our evenings. Just now we both share stories, talk about feelings and I believe we both find it comforting. I know I do. Anyhow, Wednesday I managed to pick 35 pounds of the most delicious strawberries you’d ever tasted. YES, I said 35 pounds. Let me just tell you – that is a lot! I did give some away, but between yesterday and today I canned 24 half pints and 23 pints of strawberry jam. It turned out nice too if I do say so myself. Another project that made David happy I’m sure. I asked him to be sure all the jam set just before I stated, and it looks like he granted my wish. ;)



Friday I went along with my mom to Dr. Mannion’s (her and David’s oncologist) for her normal bi-annual appointment. I had wanted to go there ever since David passed, but could never bring myself to do it. I miss those people there like crazy as they became family to David and me. I just knew all kinds of feelings would take over and I did not want to be the crying 30 year old widow there for all those sick individuals who are fighting for their lives to see, and possibly lose a little hope for themselves by my “misfortune”. That would horrify me. I wanted to be able to go with happy eyes and big hugs, and thought that with my mom there as my crutch I could be that person on the outside even if I’m FAR from that on the inside. I hardly made it through the automatic sliding glass doors. But I kept going. Every muscle in my face hurt from trying SO hard not to cry. Exam room 3 – I just kept praying please don’t put mom in #3. I cannot take that room. I never want to look at those walls again. That was the room David received “the talk”. The blue chairs – those damn blue chairs. He sat in every one of them for treatment at one point and time. I so badly just wanted to sit in one – any ole one. Not sure why, but I didn’t. I did not look one single patient in the eye. I couldn’t. I could not get that close so I didn’t have my blue chair moment – that time. Maybe next??? Maybe I won’t need that moment the next time. I don’t know – grief is weird. It is cruel, and yet I want to cling to it so bad because grief feels better than guilt and right now anything enjoyable makes me feel guilty because I cannot share it with David. Anyway – the visit. I did see Dr. Mannion. I gave him his Team Sarcoma Sucks shirt. He smiled and said thank you. Then he said the most amazing thing. He said “In my business when a patient dies it is good to know you have done all you could do, but for me – in David’s case, that still isn’t good enough.” Wow! He then asked me how I was doing, and when I said OK he replied “are you lying through those tears?” We all had a laugh and THANK GOD for that! I then psyched myself up for Miss Peggy. Oh God, Miss Peggy. What would I have done the last three years without her!?! She said the most amazing, complementary things. People tell me ALL the time how great I was at taking care of David and his needs, but when someone like Peggy tells you that, when she noticed things you thought she had no idea of, when she held me and allowed me to sob on her shoulder (away from patients I promise) – that is the definition of an angel on earth. May God bless everyone at CHO!





Yesterday Mom and I went Krogering together, but first we had breakfast at First Watch. David LOVED that place and mom and I both felt like going there in his honor. Walking in I saw a friend from high school I hadn’t seen in years. He was so nice and obviously unaware of the tragedy I just endured. I told mom how great it was for just that moment to be treated “normal.” There was no pity in his eyes, no offer of condolences – no awkward moment. That was nice. Then as we were finishing up our meal that friend came over to “catch up” and the normalcy ended as he asked “so, what’s gone on in your life? Husband – kids?” CRAP! It sure was nice while it lasted. John, if you read this don’t feel bad buddy. Thank you for making me feel somewhat like me again.





Anyway, I just looked at what time it is and realized how long this entry must be. Thank you if you have stuck it out reading it this far. You are a trooper.



Have a great week!





Love,
Amy

I get by with a little help from my friends (and family)...

5/27/2010

Hello faithful followers.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while. It certainly isn’t from the lack of trying. I have created many entries and then not posted them. Some too sappy and pathetic. Some too mean, too real and too honest. Some too repetitive (they get it Amy – he was wonderful, he is gone and you miss him). Nevertheless, I’ve found it helpful journaling regardless if I hit the submit button or not.

So what has happened since the last entry?

Relay for Life. I tell you, if I’ve learned anything since David’s death - I now know who our TRUE friends are. What do true friends do? Let me tell you. They come out and honor the memory of their friend - your husband under ANY circumstances.

- They rush home from a vacation to come
- They leave their VERY preggo wife to attend
- They carry loads and loads of supplies (in and out)
- They come tired, pregnant and with swollen feet
- They leave work early to help you setup
- They make second trips home for missing supplies
- They bring their adorable little family – sleeping bags and all and stick it out with you
- They try with all their might to sell the practically unsellable Buddy LaRosa’s cards
- They spend hours making baked goods for the bake sale (or make a trip to Emerson’s and that was OK too) =D
- They walk and they walk and they walk lap after lap. With sweat and sore feet but they continue on.

I can go on and on. I am so blessed with amazing friends. They are the kind of friends that have invited me away for the holiday weekend so that I don’t spend my first Memorial Day without David alone. Instead I get to go to the lake he loved (Lake Cumberland) and do something he thoroughly enjoyed – striper fishing – well that and drink =). The point is I’m so fortunate. I can be surrounded by 100 of these true friends and still be lonely because David isn’t there. BUT – that loneliness is a whole lot easier to cope with when I have my support system adjoining me. For that I will be forever grateful. I am one lucky lady. Thank you friends. All of you! This is for you all...

Now family… What can I say? I’d be lost without them. Mom, Dad, Lauren & Tyler. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for loving David like he was your son/brother. I know David was honored to have you there wearing his memorial shirts and walking in his honor. He loved you guys so much and was so thankful that you so openly welcomed him into your lives. Thank you for always taking such good care of him, making him feel as special as he was, and never making him feel inadequate or lesser a man. I love you all! This is for you...

Well, that is about it folks. As you read above, I’m off to the lake. The Goal – catch the biggest striper bass of the weekend in Dave’s memory, take lots of pictures and then set it free to live on in this crazy, messed up world. We will see!

Sending lots of love,

Amy

Home again...

5/18/2010

Hello all,

I’m back. Fort Walton Beach, Florida was beautiful. The Gulf of Mexico beauty is indescribable, and I cringe to think what this oil spill is doing to it. Luckily (for us anyway) the oil remained 70+ miles away while we were there. Thank you God, David or whomever responsible for our unusual luck. I just pray this issue is resolved and the aftermath isn’t too bad and causes minimal damage. What a shame!

The trip was nice. I’d love to say it was great. I feel a bit selfish not thoroughly “loving” it. I just couldn’t. I tried very hard. My mom and dad have treated me to nice vacations all my life. It is very important to them. I admire how they choose to live their lives financially so that such vacations are always feasible. It’s very admirable especially in this economy. This was the first vacation in 12 years David wasn’t by my side. I missed him everywhere and in everything that we did. Simple things like selecting from a menu were torturous. I could not stop my mind from wondering what he’d order. What beer he’d be drinking. I missed watching his big size 13’s leave enormous foot prints in the sand, applying SPF 50 sunscreen to his pale freckly body, and the UK bucket hat…oh that hat… He NEVER went to the beach without that hat. Nothing is the same, and it will never be.

Sunday was the worst. My poor momma tried so hard to disguise her tears, but it was her first mother’s day without her “son” as she will forever refer to him as. They had this amazing relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it started out shaky. Mom was strict. If you lived in her house you abided by her rules. It did not matter that I was 19 years old. If I was to be home at 12, you best have me home by 12. David and I HATED that. Remember – Dave was 3 years and 2 weeks (to be exact) older than me. We BOTH thought she was just being ridiculous. But, with age comes wisdom and it wasn’t long before we both understood and respected her motives. She kept us both out of trouble, and we both are/were forever grateful. Mom is the “Boss” but David was “The Chief”. I cannot remember when/where this lingo came from, but it stuck. Whenever Lauren (my little sister) or I needed/wanted something, we always went to Dave and asked him to do the asking for us. That guaranteed the “YES”. Man we are going to miss that.

Sunday was difficult for me too. Every mother’s day from years past always held a little hope with it that someday someone would be celebrating me as their mother. This year as I watched all the cute families (parents about my age) playing at the beach somehow brought closure to that whole idea for me. That hurt almost as bad as the pain of knowing David will never be that great dad we all knew he would be. So – I go on. It can always be worse, right?!? Of course it can.

And so, I’m home. I was greeted by two very happy dogs. That is always a good feeling. The best came as I opened the backdoor to let them out. There it was – David’s tree!!!! He would call it Quercus phellos. Otherwise known as a Willow Oak to you and me. =) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quercus_phellos It is HUGE and beautiful. It is perfectly placed in the backyard David loved so much. It is mulched so nicely just as the rest of my landscaped areas. I truly have the best friends in the word. Thank you again Jason, Jeremy, Don, and Clark! Of course the yard looks beautiful as well. You guys are awesome and I will NEVER forget how amazing you all were to David. I cry every time I hear this song because I think of you guys and how wonderful you were to him in seeing that through his brutal illness he could still enjoy one of his favorite things in the world – hunting. Please never stop telling me those stories. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1KtScrqtbc Again, thank you guys for taking such good care of me. I know Dave is so relieved/thankful from heaven. That is such a good feeling.

In closing, I just want to remind you again of the Relay for Life at Boone County High School from 7pm – 7am THIS Friday. I hope to see you there as we raise sarcoma awareness in David’s memory.

With love,

Amy