I get by with a little help from my friends (and family)...

5/27/2010

Hello faithful followers.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while. It certainly isn’t from the lack of trying. I have created many entries and then not posted them. Some too sappy and pathetic. Some too mean, too real and too honest. Some too repetitive (they get it Amy – he was wonderful, he is gone and you miss him). Nevertheless, I’ve found it helpful journaling regardless if I hit the submit button or not.

So what has happened since the last entry?

Relay for Life. I tell you, if I’ve learned anything since David’s death - I now know who our TRUE friends are. What do true friends do? Let me tell you. They come out and honor the memory of their friend - your husband under ANY circumstances.

- They rush home from a vacation to come
- They leave their VERY preggo wife to attend
- They carry loads and loads of supplies (in and out)
- They come tired, pregnant and with swollen feet
- They leave work early to help you setup
- They make second trips home for missing supplies
- They bring their adorable little family – sleeping bags and all and stick it out with you
- They try with all their might to sell the practically unsellable Buddy LaRosa’s cards
- They spend hours making baked goods for the bake sale (or make a trip to Emerson’s and that was OK too) =D
- They walk and they walk and they walk lap after lap. With sweat and sore feet but they continue on.

I can go on and on. I am so blessed with amazing friends. They are the kind of friends that have invited me away for the holiday weekend so that I don’t spend my first Memorial Day without David alone. Instead I get to go to the lake he loved (Lake Cumberland) and do something he thoroughly enjoyed – striper fishing – well that and drink =). The point is I’m so fortunate. I can be surrounded by 100 of these true friends and still be lonely because David isn’t there. BUT – that loneliness is a whole lot easier to cope with when I have my support system adjoining me. For that I will be forever grateful. I am one lucky lady. Thank you friends. All of you! This is for you all...

Now family… What can I say? I’d be lost without them. Mom, Dad, Lauren & Tyler. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for loving David like he was your son/brother. I know David was honored to have you there wearing his memorial shirts and walking in his honor. He loved you guys so much and was so thankful that you so openly welcomed him into your lives. Thank you for always taking such good care of him, making him feel as special as he was, and never making him feel inadequate or lesser a man. I love you all! This is for you...

Well, that is about it folks. As you read above, I’m off to the lake. The Goal – catch the biggest striper bass of the weekend in Dave’s memory, take lots of pictures and then set it free to live on in this crazy, messed up world. We will see!

Sending lots of love,

Amy

Home again...

5/18/2010

Hello all,

I’m back. Fort Walton Beach, Florida was beautiful. The Gulf of Mexico beauty is indescribable, and I cringe to think what this oil spill is doing to it. Luckily (for us anyway) the oil remained 70+ miles away while we were there. Thank you God, David or whomever responsible for our unusual luck. I just pray this issue is resolved and the aftermath isn’t too bad and causes minimal damage. What a shame!

The trip was nice. I’d love to say it was great. I feel a bit selfish not thoroughly “loving” it. I just couldn’t. I tried very hard. My mom and dad have treated me to nice vacations all my life. It is very important to them. I admire how they choose to live their lives financially so that such vacations are always feasible. It’s very admirable especially in this economy. This was the first vacation in 12 years David wasn’t by my side. I missed him everywhere and in everything that we did. Simple things like selecting from a menu were torturous. I could not stop my mind from wondering what he’d order. What beer he’d be drinking. I missed watching his big size 13’s leave enormous foot prints in the sand, applying SPF 50 sunscreen to his pale freckly body, and the UK bucket hat…oh that hat… He NEVER went to the beach without that hat. Nothing is the same, and it will never be.

Sunday was the worst. My poor momma tried so hard to disguise her tears, but it was her first mother’s day without her “son” as she will forever refer to him as. They had this amazing relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it started out shaky. Mom was strict. If you lived in her house you abided by her rules. It did not matter that I was 19 years old. If I was to be home at 12, you best have me home by 12. David and I HATED that. Remember – Dave was 3 years and 2 weeks (to be exact) older than me. We BOTH thought she was just being ridiculous. But, with age comes wisdom and it wasn’t long before we both understood and respected her motives. She kept us both out of trouble, and we both are/were forever grateful. Mom is the “Boss” but David was “The Chief”. I cannot remember when/where this lingo came from, but it stuck. Whenever Lauren (my little sister) or I needed/wanted something, we always went to Dave and asked him to do the asking for us. That guaranteed the “YES”. Man we are going to miss that.

Sunday was difficult for me too. Every mother’s day from years past always held a little hope with it that someday someone would be celebrating me as their mother. This year as I watched all the cute families (parents about my age) playing at the beach somehow brought closure to that whole idea for me. That hurt almost as bad as the pain of knowing David will never be that great dad we all knew he would be. So – I go on. It can always be worse, right?!? Of course it can.

And so, I’m home. I was greeted by two very happy dogs. That is always a good feeling. The best came as I opened the backdoor to let them out. There it was – David’s tree!!!! He would call it Quercus phellos. Otherwise known as a Willow Oak to you and me. =) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quercus_phellos It is HUGE and beautiful. It is perfectly placed in the backyard David loved so much. It is mulched so nicely just as the rest of my landscaped areas. I truly have the best friends in the word. Thank you again Jason, Jeremy, Don, and Clark! Of course the yard looks beautiful as well. You guys are awesome and I will NEVER forget how amazing you all were to David. I cry every time I hear this song because I think of you guys and how wonderful you were to him in seeing that through his brutal illness he could still enjoy one of his favorite things in the world – hunting. Please never stop telling me those stories. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1KtScrqtbc Again, thank you guys for taking such good care of me. I know Dave is so relieved/thankful from heaven. That is such a good feeling.

In closing, I just want to remind you again of the Relay for Life at Boone County High School from 7pm – 7am THIS Friday. I hope to see you there as we raise sarcoma awareness in David’s memory.

With love,

Amy

You are invited!

What: Boone County Relay for Life
When: Friday May 21st, 2010 at 7:00PM thru 7:00AM Saturday May 22nd
Where: Boone County High School, Florence, KY
Why: To raise sarcoma awareness in David’s honor

Please feel free to come out and support us. Just a drop-by is fine. We will have Buddy LaRosa’s cards, baked goods, beverages and loaded nachos for sale. Proceeds go to the American Cancer Society.

Today is the last day to reserve your official Team Sarcoma Sucks t-shirt.
Please email me at turfgirl97@aol.com or call me at 859.743.8122 with your order including size/sizes. Cost is $6.63/each for sizes small – XL and $8.22/each for XXL & XXXL.

Let me know if you have any questions, and/or if you would like to join or sponsor our team.
Hope to see you on the 21st! Just 2 weeks away!!!

Thanks,

Amy

So what about them?

I will admit fully that MOST times I’m too wrapped up in my own grief to consider how others are hurting because of David’s death. I find myself apologizing for that a lot. I’m sorry I cannot be a better daughter, granddaughter, sister, "mom" and friend right now. I am trying. I am. I have spent the last three years living from the perspective of someone else’s shoes (David’s) and now that I’ve jumped back into my own, I’m having trouble jumping out.

That is until yesterday. Yesterday and today my two favorite furry friends - my “Kids” are heavy on my heart. I remember the day that Dave died; Vinnie was barking and being his usual obnoxious self. My mom (always the disciplinarian) yelled at Vinnie to be quiet. I recall yelling back “don’t yell at him. His Daddy just died today.” That was it. The real loss set in and I forgot all about what Vin and Lib were dealing with. Do they feel abandoned? Do they know Daddy is gone, but he is better now? Do they know how much he loved them? That Saturday he left their home for the last time and he didn’t even tell them goodbye. In just 3 days I am leaving them too. Just for a week, but what will they think? Are they fragile like me? Do they feel the abandonment like I do, and will my vacation add to their pain? Lord I pray not. I love my “Kids”. I come home for my kids. Every day I pull into the driveway and my heart sinks again. My empty house. Then, I walk in and there they are. Full of love, and so happy to see me. I’m not alone. I just hope they know how much I need and appreciate their loyalty. They have a very broken mommy right now. A selfish one. A damaged one. You know what – they still love me. All of me. Even when I refuse to feel their pain because I am so wrapped up in my own.

Have a great week friends.

With love,

Amy