6/18/2010
Hello guys,
I hope this has been a great week.
I’m gearing up for the big Goettafest tonight in Covington with my little sister. That should be fun =).
Friends, I have one quick request and then I will move on… I plead with you not to take this harshly. PLEASE do not remind me that I am young and that chances are I will find someone special to spend the remainder of my life with. Also, PLEASE don’t tell me that you know Dave would want me to find someone new. There are literally 4 people (myself included) who “knew” Dave. So few people truly did. He was a very closed off person. Extremely. If he let you in, you are very very special. Consider yourself privileged as I do very much. Anyway… Dave and I talked about everything, but one thing he could NOT talk about was what his wishes were for me once he passed. He did not want to talk about that. He did not want to think about leaving this earth without me, nor did I want to consider continuing on this earth without him. We had hopes, dreams and goals that we were so anxious to live out. Cancer killed those, and thinking about developing new hopes, dreams and goals with someone new makes me want to vomit. I swear the next person who even begins to say such a thing may very well be puked all over. So again, out of respect for David – he fought so hard to live, let’s not think about his replacement so soon. I surely AM NOT, so save your breath. I do however appreciate your concern. Truthfully I do. David would want me happy and that is what I strive for each and every day. Just trust in that. His motto: Live life each day to the fullest finding fun in everything we do.
For fear of being too repetitive, I will not be posting about what I’m feeling these days. You see, not a lot has changed in that department and I suspect it won’t for a LONG time. With that said, how about memories? I like the idea of sharing memories. I know I will never forget David. I do however fear that some of these amazing memories will become less vivid over the years, and that idea makes me cringe. So here goes…
Wednesday 29th August, 2007 – Ann Arbor, MI (David’s most hated place in the country - GO BUCKS!)
This was the day David and I traveled to The University of Michigan hospital to see Scott M. Schuetze, M.D., Ph.D. AKA – Dr. Shitty. This sarcoma specialist (or so he called himself) told us a lot of things during this first AND ONLY visit. This was our take home message… David was going to die. Don’t have kids. He would not live 18 months. Nothing but statistics and NO HOPE. NONE. Needless to say, that trip was horrible! The ride home – torture.
David had to return to U of M on Wednesday September 12th, 2007 for a procedure to confirm Dr. “Shitty’s” assumption that David had more sarcoma in his left lung (what was left of the left lung that is). The trip was planned, reservations made and we were set. EXCEPT this time ole’ Timbo (my Daddy - Timbo was what Dave called him) was NOT going to let us go alone. So off the three of us went. We got there a day in advance because David’s procedure was very early that Wednesday. That morning we got up in the hotel room and traveled the short distance to the hospital. David had one of the most amazing doctors performing the procedure on him. He briefed us on what was about to happen and asked us about the history of David’s illness. Mouthy me HAD to tell him about our Dr. Shitty experience from just a few weeks prior. This doctor, Douglas A. Arenberg, M.D. was appalled. He was apologetic about our experience and was much more optimistic about what he would find in David’s lung. He put the wind back in our sails even before the biopsy was performed. After the procedure Dad and I were called into the consultation room, where Dr. Arenberg shared the BEST news possible. The area in concern from the PET scan was benign and David was (at the time) cancer free! We were elated!!!! My emotions at that moment are indescribable. FINALLY we were able to see David. He was still a bit affected by the anesthesia and was unaware of what the biopsy had shown. I will NEVER forget the look on David’s eyes when he was told it was not more cancer. What happened next still brings tears to my eyes, and chills to my skin when I think about it. I remember so vividly looking over to my daddy as he was looking over a very happy David, and seeing huge tears of joy in ole’ Timbo’s eyes. This was a sight I had rarely seen in my then 28 years. I was so affected by those tears. It was that very moment when I knew my daddy loved my husband just as much as he loved me. What an honor it is to have two men so wonderful in my life. All I could think about is that David was going to live and I can continue sharing him with dad and my other amazing family members for a long long time.
We all know how the story changed that October, but what never changed was that love for David. I am still just as blessed to be loved by two amazing men, and that love will live on forever. Today - just two days prior to Father’s Day I celebrate them both. To the great man and father, Timbo and to another great man who would have also been an amazing father, David.
Daddy – here is our song
David – here is our song
Happy Fathers Day to all you other amazing men out there.
Until the next memory…
With love,
Amy
Friday, June 18, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Perfection
6/11/2010
Hello all. I hope you have had a nice week.
I have been doing a lot of thinking this week about mine and David’s wonderful marriage, and that thinking has led me to this posting. I hope you enjoy.
What makes a good marriage? Is it the income, the home, the cars, the family, the sex? What is it? What makes it “work”?
I have heard so many people say that a good marriage takes work. Hummm… David and I discussed that a lot. Work? You see, there wasn’t a lot of work involved with our marriage. It was easy. Effortless. It just was and what exactly it was – perfect. No, not flawless but perfection does not need to be flawless. Ladies, let me point out your engagement ring. Is that diamond flawless? No – but to you I am sure it is perfect. You get my point? Perfection = When to souls come together and become one, when a relationship is established that is unbreakable, when love is given unconditionally. That is perfection. On 9/18/2004 David and I celebrated our “perfection” and that will continue throughout eternity.
What would you miss the most if all that were gone in one single heartbreaking moment?
Need a little help?
If I were presented these same questions just one year ago, I’m sure my list would be way shorter than what I can come up with today.
Here are some samples of my own little things my heart craves each and every moment of every single day.
- Seeing David walk down the hallway in his boxers on a weekend morning after he FINALLY has woken to spend the day with me. =)
- Hearing David chop ice with his teeth even though I HATE that sound
- Listing to David mumble his favorite songs under his breath as we drive down the road
- Seeing the happiness in David’s eyes while being surrounded by our loving and supportive friends and family
- Witnessing those famous dance moves that were so rare and seen by so few
- Simple trips to Kroger – his joy in my thrifty coupon clipping, and his produce knowledge. He could tell me what every fruit, vegetable, herb was – you name it he knew it
- The freckles, those eyes – that laugh. Oh God that unmistaken laugh…
My point to all this is, don’t wait until it is too late to fully appreciate those small things. Appreciate them today because when (If) they are gone, you would do anything to have them back. What I would not give for one last Kroger trip!
Here is a tribute to my amazing marriage I brag constantly about… Enjoy! =)
Have a wonderful weekend full of love and fun folks.
Amy
Hello all. I hope you have had a nice week.
I have been doing a lot of thinking this week about mine and David’s wonderful marriage, and that thinking has led me to this posting. I hope you enjoy.
What makes a good marriage? Is it the income, the home, the cars, the family, the sex? What is it? What makes it “work”?
I have heard so many people say that a good marriage takes work. Hummm… David and I discussed that a lot. Work? You see, there wasn’t a lot of work involved with our marriage. It was easy. Effortless. It just was and what exactly it was – perfect. No, not flawless but perfection does not need to be flawless. Ladies, let me point out your engagement ring. Is that diamond flawless? No – but to you I am sure it is perfect. You get my point? Perfection = When to souls come together and become one, when a relationship is established that is unbreakable, when love is given unconditionally. That is perfection. On 9/18/2004 David and I celebrated our “perfection” and that will continue throughout eternity.
So again, what makes such a good marriage? I’m no expert. When you look at it, I only have 5.5 years worth of experience. I will give myself some credit though. In those 5.5 years – over 3 of them were spent experiencing what most people endure years and years into their marriage if ever. Nevertheless, here is my two cents.
It is the little things. That is it in a nutshell. Do I miss living in our home together – yes, Do I miss driving David anywhere he wanted to go – yes, do I miss our amazing family time – yes, do I miss making love – YES! Those elements were great in our marriage, but what made us tick, what made us great were the little things. Those millions of precious, irreplaceable little things.
So, what are your little things?What would you miss the most if all that were gone in one single heartbreaking moment?
Need a little help?
If I were presented these same questions just one year ago, I’m sure my list would be way shorter than what I can come up with today.
Here are some samples of my own little things my heart craves each and every moment of every single day.
- Seeing David walk down the hallway in his boxers on a weekend morning after he FINALLY has woken to spend the day with me. =)
- Hearing David chop ice with his teeth even though I HATE that sound
- Listing to David mumble his favorite songs under his breath as we drive down the road
- Seeing the happiness in David’s eyes while being surrounded by our loving and supportive friends and family
- Witnessing those famous dance moves that were so rare and seen by so few
- Simple trips to Kroger – his joy in my thrifty coupon clipping, and his produce knowledge. He could tell me what every fruit, vegetable, herb was – you name it he knew it
- The freckles, those eyes – that laugh. Oh God that unmistaken laugh…
My point to all this is, don’t wait until it is too late to fully appreciate those small things. Appreciate them today because when (If) they are gone, you would do anything to have them back. What I would not give for one last Kroger trip!
Here is a tribute to my amazing marriage I brag constantly about… Enjoy! =)
Have a wonderful weekend full of love and fun folks.
Amy
Monday, June 7, 2010
Welcome June...
6/6/2010
Happy Sunday evening to everyone. I hope this has been a nice weekend.
So what has been going on in the world of the newly widowed??? Isn’t that always the question? Well – the more popular question is “How are you doing?” Answer - I'm alive... And it’s a blessing. My amazing husband taught me that.
Starting off with Memorial Day weekend seems appropriate. It was a BLAST! I cannot thank Jeremy, Kristi, all the Arrasmiths, and their generous friends enough. It was by far my best weekend since David’s passing. The good memories - pre cancer memories were so prevalent in my mind the entire weekend. Boy was that treasured! I just wish those memories stuck with me more so than the post cancer ones do. Anyhow, it was a great trip complete with amazing food, delicious drinks and even a precious playlist dedicated to David created by Jeremy. What amazing friends the A’s are! Click here for one song selection from Dave's playlist
Monday I spent the day honoring my beloved David’s memory by putting a nice edge on his tree. I planted beautiful red Gerber Daisies (one for each of us – Daddy, Mommy, Vinnie, & Libby) around it, installed a light that shines just bright enough at night to see his beautiful face on the memorial plaque from my bedroom window, and of course proudly added his Ohio State sign and flag. I know he would approve, and would be impressed with my meticulous work as if it were work done by his own hands. After all, it was done in his memory. David never cut corners as he was quite the hard working perfectionist. I loved that about him. That and for many many many other reasons, but I know that comes as no surprise to you.
Wednesday I spent the evening with one of my favorite friends Russell. Many of you have heard David and I speak of Russell, but unfortunately not many of you have had the pleasure of meeting him. Let me just tell you, he is awesome. Russell is a 70 something year old widower. His Sarah fought the great cancer fight for many many years. I was very blessed to have the opportunity to meet Sarah before she died. She had the same impressive “never give up” will to fight just like David. Sara lost her battle on March 13, 2009. David almost died the same day just one year later. Russell spent a lot of his lonely evenings last summer having David and I over to can fruits, vegetables… whatever he had fresh that day. He is responsible for teaching David and I to can. David and I thoroughly loved our evenings with ole’ Russell (as David called him). Now that David and Sara are both gone, Russell and I both continue on with our evenings. Just now we both share stories, talk about feelings and I believe we both find it comforting. I know I do. Anyhow, Wednesday I managed to pick 35 pounds of the most delicious strawberries you’d ever tasted. YES, I said 35 pounds. Let me just tell you – that is a lot! I did give some away, but between yesterday and today I canned 24 half pints and 23 pints of strawberry jam. It turned out nice too if I do say so myself. Another project that made David happy I’m sure. I asked him to be sure all the jam set just before I stated, and it looks like he granted my wish. ;)
Friday I went along with my mom to Dr. Mannion’s (her and David’s oncologist) for her normal bi-annual appointment. I had wanted to go there ever since David passed, but could never bring myself to do it. I miss those people there like crazy as they became family to David and me. I just knew all kinds of feelings would take over and I did not want to be the crying 30 year old widow there for all those sick individuals who are fighting for their lives to see, and possibly lose a little hope for themselves by my “misfortune”. That would horrify me. I wanted to be able to go with happy eyes and big hugs, and thought that with my mom there as my crutch I could be that person on the outside even if I’m FAR from that on the inside. I hardly made it through the automatic sliding glass doors. But I kept going. Every muscle in my face hurt from trying SO hard not to cry. Exam room 3 – I just kept praying please don’t put mom in #3. I cannot take that room. I never want to look at those walls again. That was the room David received “the talk”. The blue chairs – those damn blue chairs. He sat in every one of them for treatment at one point and time. I so badly just wanted to sit in one – any ole one. Not sure why, but I didn’t. I did not look one single patient in the eye. I couldn’t. I could not get that close so I didn’t have my blue chair moment – that time. Maybe next??? Maybe I won’t need that moment the next time. I don’t know – grief is weird. It is cruel, and yet I want to cling to it so bad because grief feels better than guilt and right now anything enjoyable makes me feel guilty because I cannot share it with David. Anyway – the visit. I did see Dr. Mannion. I gave him his Team Sarcoma Sucks shirt. He smiled and said thank you. Then he said the most amazing thing. He said “In my business when a patient dies it is good to know you have done all you could do, but for me – in David’s case, that still isn’t good enough.” Wow! He then asked me how I was doing, and when I said OK he replied “are you lying through those tears?” We all had a laugh and THANK GOD for that! I then psyched myself up for Miss Peggy. Oh God, Miss Peggy. What would I have done the last three years without her!?! She said the most amazing, complementary things. People tell me ALL the time how great I was at taking care of David and his needs, but when someone like Peggy tells you that, when she noticed things you thought she had no idea of, when she held me and allowed me to sob on her shoulder (away from patients I promise) – that is the definition of an angel on earth. May God bless everyone at CHO!
Yesterday Mom and I went Krogering together, but first we had breakfast at First Watch. David LOVED that place and mom and I both felt like going there in his honor. Walking in I saw a friend from high school I hadn’t seen in years. He was so nice and obviously unaware of the tragedy I just endured. I told mom how great it was for just that moment to be treated “normal.” There was no pity in his eyes, no offer of condolences – no awkward moment. That was nice. Then as we were finishing up our meal that friend came over to “catch up” and the normalcy ended as he asked “so, what’s gone on in your life? Husband – kids?” CRAP! It sure was nice while it lasted. John, if you read this don’t feel bad buddy. Thank you for making me feel somewhat like me again.
Anyway, I just looked at what time it is and realized how long this entry must be. Thank you if you have stuck it out reading it this far. You are a trooper.
Have a great week!
Love,
Amy
Happy Sunday evening to everyone. I hope this has been a nice weekend.
So what has been going on in the world of the newly widowed??? Isn’t that always the question? Well – the more popular question is “How are you doing?” Answer - I'm alive... And it’s a blessing. My amazing husband taught me that.
Starting off with Memorial Day weekend seems appropriate. It was a BLAST! I cannot thank Jeremy, Kristi, all the Arrasmiths, and their generous friends enough. It was by far my best weekend since David’s passing. The good memories - pre cancer memories were so prevalent in my mind the entire weekend. Boy was that treasured! I just wish those memories stuck with me more so than the post cancer ones do. Anyhow, it was a great trip complete with amazing food, delicious drinks and even a precious playlist dedicated to David created by Jeremy. What amazing friends the A’s are! Click here for one song selection from Dave's playlist
Monday I spent the day honoring my beloved David’s memory by putting a nice edge on his tree. I planted beautiful red Gerber Daisies (one for each of us – Daddy, Mommy, Vinnie, & Libby) around it, installed a light that shines just bright enough at night to see his beautiful face on the memorial plaque from my bedroom window, and of course proudly added his Ohio State sign and flag. I know he would approve, and would be impressed with my meticulous work as if it were work done by his own hands. After all, it was done in his memory. David never cut corners as he was quite the hard working perfectionist. I loved that about him. That and for many many many other reasons, but I know that comes as no surprise to you.
Wednesday I spent the evening with one of my favorite friends Russell. Many of you have heard David and I speak of Russell, but unfortunately not many of you have had the pleasure of meeting him. Let me just tell you, he is awesome. Russell is a 70 something year old widower. His Sarah fought the great cancer fight for many many years. I was very blessed to have the opportunity to meet Sarah before she died. She had the same impressive “never give up” will to fight just like David. Sara lost her battle on March 13, 2009. David almost died the same day just one year later. Russell spent a lot of his lonely evenings last summer having David and I over to can fruits, vegetables… whatever he had fresh that day. He is responsible for teaching David and I to can. David and I thoroughly loved our evenings with ole’ Russell (as David called him). Now that David and Sara are both gone, Russell and I both continue on with our evenings. Just now we both share stories, talk about feelings and I believe we both find it comforting. I know I do. Anyhow, Wednesday I managed to pick 35 pounds of the most delicious strawberries you’d ever tasted. YES, I said 35 pounds. Let me just tell you – that is a lot! I did give some away, but between yesterday and today I canned 24 half pints and 23 pints of strawberry jam. It turned out nice too if I do say so myself. Another project that made David happy I’m sure. I asked him to be sure all the jam set just before I stated, and it looks like he granted my wish. ;)
Friday I went along with my mom to Dr. Mannion’s (her and David’s oncologist) for her normal bi-annual appointment. I had wanted to go there ever since David passed, but could never bring myself to do it. I miss those people there like crazy as they became family to David and me. I just knew all kinds of feelings would take over and I did not want to be the crying 30 year old widow there for all those sick individuals who are fighting for their lives to see, and possibly lose a little hope for themselves by my “misfortune”. That would horrify me. I wanted to be able to go with happy eyes and big hugs, and thought that with my mom there as my crutch I could be that person on the outside even if I’m FAR from that on the inside. I hardly made it through the automatic sliding glass doors. But I kept going. Every muscle in my face hurt from trying SO hard not to cry. Exam room 3 – I just kept praying please don’t put mom in #3. I cannot take that room. I never want to look at those walls again. That was the room David received “the talk”. The blue chairs – those damn blue chairs. He sat in every one of them for treatment at one point and time. I so badly just wanted to sit in one – any ole one. Not sure why, but I didn’t. I did not look one single patient in the eye. I couldn’t. I could not get that close so I didn’t have my blue chair moment – that time. Maybe next??? Maybe I won’t need that moment the next time. I don’t know – grief is weird. It is cruel, and yet I want to cling to it so bad because grief feels better than guilt and right now anything enjoyable makes me feel guilty because I cannot share it with David. Anyway – the visit. I did see Dr. Mannion. I gave him his Team Sarcoma Sucks shirt. He smiled and said thank you. Then he said the most amazing thing. He said “In my business when a patient dies it is good to know you have done all you could do, but for me – in David’s case, that still isn’t good enough.” Wow! He then asked me how I was doing, and when I said OK he replied “are you lying through those tears?” We all had a laugh and THANK GOD for that! I then psyched myself up for Miss Peggy. Oh God, Miss Peggy. What would I have done the last three years without her!?! She said the most amazing, complementary things. People tell me ALL the time how great I was at taking care of David and his needs, but when someone like Peggy tells you that, when she noticed things you thought she had no idea of, when she held me and allowed me to sob on her shoulder (away from patients I promise) – that is the definition of an angel on earth. May God bless everyone at CHO!
Yesterday Mom and I went Krogering together, but first we had breakfast at First Watch. David LOVED that place and mom and I both felt like going there in his honor. Walking in I saw a friend from high school I hadn’t seen in years. He was so nice and obviously unaware of the tragedy I just endured. I told mom how great it was for just that moment to be treated “normal.” There was no pity in his eyes, no offer of condolences – no awkward moment. That was nice. Then as we were finishing up our meal that friend came over to “catch up” and the normalcy ended as he asked “so, what’s gone on in your life? Husband – kids?” CRAP! It sure was nice while it lasted. John, if you read this don’t feel bad buddy. Thank you for making me feel somewhat like me again.
Anyway, I just looked at what time it is and realized how long this entry must be. Thank you if you have stuck it out reading it this far. You are a trooper.
Have a great week!
Love,
Amy
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