Let’s talk triggers…

8/30/2010

Let’s talk triggers…

What triggers do you have? I can hear you thinking right now – What the hell is she talking about, triggers?

What triggers your mind to drift off to good/bad memories?

Last Monday I had dinner with my bestest 70+ year old buddy Russell. It was a good time as usual. Then it came time to pay and we of course battled for the check as usual. He reached for his wallet as I did mine. I manage to pay for the tip as he picks up the meal… In other words, I lost! Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice that Russell’s wallet had seen better days, and me being outspoken me tell him as much. He replies (as he proceeds to show me) that it “fits just right”. He’s referring to the shape as it hugs his but cheek just perfect. =) I laugh along with him as I’m now 100% sold on the fact that a good ole wallet is much better than a stiff one any day – on your rump that is.

What I do next is what leads me to this posting…

I then reach into my “David pocket” of my purse. You see the center of my purse has a zipper compartment. In this compartment are my David items. I keep them there. I like them there. Judge me if you wish. They aren’t going anywhere. I like these items just where they are and they will stay there – thank you. Anyway, David’s wallet is in that pocket. I suddenly couldn’t help but to look to see if David’s wallet had the comfortable buttocks curve as Russell’s did. The answer NOPE. Why? Because David had NO ass. None. Notice the picture below. Yes, that is him. No ass and all. He does however have awesome hair and super cool shoes on in this picture (racing Pumas). We were even at Elliott Sadler’s house here and David could not wait to go check out his hunting dogs – of course).

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know – Russell lost his wife to cancer 366 days before I lost David. Yes, they died one year and one day apart. They both battled a long long time. Russell and David became very close during the last year of David’s life and for this I am very grateful. I am however more grateful that I had Russell to prepare me for what I was “in for”. He would explain that he would tell me everything he knew about the death and dying of a spouse but that I wouldn’t understand it until (if) it happened to me. But what he did tell me – let me just say, he was dead on and I will never be able to repay him for his wisdom. He was also dead on about needing to live the experience to understand it. There just aren’t words to explain what it is like to whiteness what he and I did. God is amazing and He knows just when to place certain people in your life. I’m still pissed at Him, but He is good – without a doubt.

Back on track… The wallet… When Russell seen that he had a FIT! “What are you doing carrying that around? No wonder you are sad all the damn time.” You have got to put these things away someplace special so they aren’t in your face all the time.” Let me just tell you, Russell is the ONLY one who can speak to me this way. Trust me – don’t try it. Is he right – maybe? The wallet stays! The wallet is a trigger. For me – a good one. I have SO many good ones. I’ve also gotten pretty good at getting rid of the bad ones. Like my house. MANY people thought that I’d move out. Some for financial purposes alone (just made my 6th payment by myself thank you very much) and some for emotional purposes. But that house contains so many AMAZING memories. I’m staying! With my master bathroom door shut that is. I can’t do it. I have this one memory from in that room when I had looked in at what used to be a strong healthy young man with big muscles and great color to a seeing a pale, bald, and thin man with no muscles and droopy thin skin trying so hard to keep enough strength up to finish brushing his teeth. This was the day it hit me – he wasn’t going to get better. I was right. I can’t even look at that sink anymore – so I don’t. I have two other toilets in that house and it is just me. You do the math. There aint’ a damn thing wrong with that.

So I ask again. What are your triggers?

Here are some of my favorite good “David triggers”…

Tulip Poplar Leaves

Walk Behind Mowers

Dodge Ram Trucks

Toby Keith (and their identical backsides – as I noticed at the concert Friday)

Bud Light Beer

Puma Shoes

OK – I’ll be here all day with this.

To sum this up… My Grandma carried my deceased Grandpa’s wallet to the day she died so I can too! =)

Love ya’s,

Amy

Friends

One of David's Favorite Songs...

8/26/2010

Have you ever had something that weighs so heavy on your mind and in your heart you just cannot let it go no matter what you do? David is that “something” for me. Some days he is so heavy I feel as if I’m suffocating, and some days (the good days) I feel his strength helping me carry him right along with me. Usually those thoughts are pretty selfish ones. I say that because they are memories of just the two of us. The things we did, places we’ve gone, discussions we had. But lately, those thoughts have included a lot of folks. Our friends... We are so blessed with amazing friends. What is so great about those memories is that most of them are from before cancer took over our lives. Back when I wasn’t the caregiver. I was the wife in every sense of the word then. I’ve been missing being the “wife” for much more than 24 weeks, and unless you have walked in my shoes there isn’t any way you can fully understand what I mean by that. Be very grateful for that ladies.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the softball games, lake trips, Gatlinburg trips, cookouts, camping trips (and NO I still don’t want no F-ing pork chops). =) God did we have some good times with amazing friends. Strangely enough, thinking about those times doesn’t make me sad at all. Thinking about David not getting to experience those fun events anymore does however. A lot! But nonetheless, I am SO grateful he had those moments. I suspect that those events – those fun moments – those great friends are a big part in what kept him here with me fighting so hard – maybe for just one more Cumberland trip or to see if he could manage to catch a creek on fire for a second time (now that is a classic – thanks for reminding me of that Jason)! Anyway, all I want to do now is pick up the phone and thank each and every one of those friends for that.

Someone once told me that most couples live a lifetime together and never experience the fun, the joy, the laughter and most importantly – the love that David and me did in our all too short 12 years together. I heard that comment, I retained it, but it wasn’t until now that I truly believed it. It took me setting aside my selfish thoughts of just us and reflecting on our life experiences with our friends - the times BEFORE cancer to believe it. I suddenly feel less cheated. I feel lucky. Wow. I went from self pity to feeling lucky!?! Shew – my head should be spinning from that 360!!!

So, what is your favorite David story? I'd LOVE to know!!!

With love,

Amy

The Unexplained

8/18/2010

Things that make you go hummm…

I am a very literal person. I’m a believe it when I see it - show me don’t tell me kinda gal. I’ve always have been and probably always will be.

I haven’t kept it a secret that I see a psychologist to help me cope with my tremendous loss. (Thank you to those who reached out in support of me after that posting by the way!!!) Anyway, Dr. Pete tells me ALL THE TIME that I need to calm down. I need to look hard and listen even harder. That David is with me in all that I do, but I’m too stinkin literal to see or hear him. Back to the believe it when I see it - show me don’t tell me thing. Hurting as badly as I am and missing David as much as I do, there isn’t anything in this world I wouldn’t give or do to feel his presence. With that said, I am who I am. David knew me better than anyone so he of all people would know how to send me a sign that I’d buy into.

Example #1

July 2009

Notice the flowers on the right-hand side. Those are annuals. They live just one year and die for good at the end of the season.

August 2010

Check out this flower. This one came back. It is the only one in the entire flowerbed. Hummm…

Example #2 (my favorite)

August 17th, 2010

Baby Maci was born at 12:11AM Tuesday. She is beautiful and the happy and healthy new family is all doing great.

Take a look at the stool in the photo below. I don’t know how much you buy into spirits and whatnot. I’m not 100% sold on it, but I do know there are things in this world that are unexplained. I also know David LOVED the television show Ghost Hunters so he was all about it. Not so much a believer in ghosts, but spirits – yes. Notice the orb? You believe what you want, but I will say with 100% certainty that if David could hang out here on earth checking in on us, he would have been there checking in on the A. family at that very moment.

My Guardian Angel

My angel's right beside me,

wherever I may go,

keeping close watch over me,

he's my husband don't you know.

God took him away from me,

not so long ago,

but he promised he'd never leave me,

dear lord I miss him so.

But I know he's right beside me,

wherever I may go,

for he's my guardian angel,

my love, my life, my soul.

~Unknown~

Congratulations Kristi and Jeremy. Welcome to this world Baby Maci. “Aunt” Amy and one of your many guardian angels “Uncle” David love you oh so very much!

With love,

Amy

An apology

8/15/2010


For those of you who assured me months ago the worst was yet to come. That I was still numb and that I would be worse before I got better. Well, I say as much with my eyes as I do with my mouth. With that said, I’m almost certain that without so many words I looked at those people after they said such things as if they were crazy. I just knew I was feeling every emotion back then.


I was wrong.


For that, I apologize.


From the moment I turned the calendar to August I’ve fallen way down hill. I knew what this month – what next month meant to David and me. Our birthdays, our anniversaries. The start of High School, the Bengals, and of course his beloved Ohio State football season. This was by far our best time of the year. So many great things to look forward to. So many great things going on. And then it was August 2010…


Then, Friday morning I received this email…


Amy

David Dearinger's (davidd86@fuse.net) birthday is on Friday August 20th. David will be 34 years old.



Click below to choose one of our specially recommended birthday greeting cards and we will send it on David'sbirthday...



http://www.BirthdayAlarm.com/eCard/297317831a1b790370843c75695657?MID=1955



Kind Regards,



BirthdayAlarm.com


That was tough enough, but nothing compares to what happened at 2:00 AM Saturday. The numbness wore off the moment David’s little princess Libby (our 5 year old female dog) got sick. Not just sick – serious sick. It was that very moment I needed and missed David more than ever. I felt so helpless and yet I had to be there for Libb. I know she is “just a dog” but for those of us who truly know David and me – these two dogs are our children. They are spoiled, cared for and loved just as if our genetics brought them into this world. Here I was with a dog that was miserable, at the ER vet with all these decisions to make. David and I were a team and making such important decisions was a joint action. It wasn’t until I was that scared that the full aloneness set in. What an empty feeling. Just horrible!


The good news, Libby is on the road to recovery. She is still uncomfortable, is on three medications and needs follow-up vet visits, but she is gonna be okay. The irony to all this – when the vet came out to tell me Libby was waking up and that the procedure went well she looked at me and said, “either that dog has a huge pain tolerance, or she is one tough puppy.” Yep – she is her daddy’s doggie. That is for sure.

So, here I am. About to begin what I know will be a bittersweet week. You see, David should be turning 34 Friday, and the fact he isn’t is making me insanely mad. On the other hand, with the death of one amazing man comes the birth of a very special child. Baby Maci A. will be here sometime tomorrow (Monday), and I know her guardian angel “Uncle” David will be there to see that her grand entrance into this crazy world is as healthy and happy as possible. That I know and find comfort in.


Please say a prayer and think good thoughts for Kristi, Jeremy and Baby Maci tonight.


Have a great week all.


With love,


Amy

Catching up...

8/3/2010 – 8/4/2010


Hello loved ones and welcome to the month of David otherwise known as August.


So, what has gone on since my last posting?


The David Dearinger Memorial, Swinging for Sarcoma Charity Golf Scramble was on Saturday July 17th. I cannot thank those who came out to honor David’s memory enough. Please enjoy some photos from that very special day.


We celebrated Momma’s birthday on Monday the 19th. God love her! She is being such a trooper recovering from the back surgery she had just the week prior. She accredits all her braveness from watching the best patient to ever exist. Just ask her. She loves to speak of her “son’s” courage. I know she has made him proud. Happy birthday momma! Way to be strong.


The “homework” project went into full effect Wednesday the 21st. I cannot thank Josh, Michelle, Steve, Amy and Clark enough for helping me tackle the HUGE painting project. Even when my air conditioner went out during the night of the 23rd, they still pressed on in a 94 degree home getting it DONE. Wow. Now those are some friends! Thanks again guys.


Speaking of great friends… Bridget and Jason F. took me to Hullabalou Music Festival in Louisville, KY on Sunday the 25th. What a wonderful time that was! AMAZING. Seeing Dave Matthews and Zac Brown jam together was the by far the highlight of the concert. Thanks again Mr. & Mrs. F!


On Wednesday the 28th of July my friend Mark got to throw out the first pitch at the Florence Freedom game. He bid on and won that opportunity at David’s benefit in January. Mark did a great job, and I still get chills thinking about David’s name being called over the loud speaker at the ballpark. Thanks again Mark! I know you made him proud, and that he drank a beer or two or ten for you in heaven that night. =)


Now to Saturday. What a great day Saturday was. First, Elliott Sadler WON! (More on him to follow) This Saturday we dedicated David’s tree in our backyard. It was a wonderful party for the most deserving man. Thanks to everyone who came out for the celebration. You ate all the food, drained the keg, had a great time and partied just the way David would have wanted. I know he was thrilled with the turnout. He was probably not too thrilled with my excessive tequila consumption, but like me – thankful I have wonderful friends and sister to put me to bed. Yes, I have now seen the pictures and WOW. I’m thankful they were taken on MY camera and I have the veto power.


On a serious note… I wanted to have this party for everyone who has been so great to David and I over the last three horrendous years. I know I will never have the opportunity to repay you all for the countless wonderful things you did for us. I just need you all to know how much WE appreciated it. I will never get tired of saying thank you. I may have not gotten dealt the best hand of the deck, but I sure have been blessed with the most amazing friends and family to help me play it out.


Now, Sunday. Sunday S-U-C-K-E-D! If I ever get my hands on Jose Cuervo he is a dead man! Seriously, is tequila manufactured in hell? Anyway – I was due at Waffle House at 10:30 AM but that didn’t happen (sorry again guys). Then Momma called to tell me my “kids” missed me as they had spent the night with grandma and grandpa. This led me to somehow coaxing my body up and venturing out to pick them up. Luckily they were exhausted from their overnight adventure, and they were 100% content with spending the day watching the race from bed and sleeping with their pathetic momma. Anyway, if you know me at all you know I am 110% race girl. I love racing – NASCAR racing in particular. David and my favorite driver is Elliott Sadler. As mentioned above, he won just the day before. Yea! Anyway… Amy on a typical race day is alert; ready with laptop in had listening to the radio communication between Elliott and his crew all the while eyes glued to the race. Sadly, Sunday I wasn’t up for such enthusiasm. The race was on, but I was clueless what was going on. All of a sudden something (or some heavenly angel) woke me up just in time to see the most horrific wreck in NASCAR history. (Truly it was as the data has come back the impact was the hardest ever to date). It was Elliott and I swear he was dead. His neck should have broke. Either that boy is living right or his number one fan was riding along with him that very moment. Either way, I’m grateful! Check out these pictures of Elliott in victory lane with his 6 month old precious son Wyatt on Saturday. That baby needs his daddy. So, if you aren’t a race fan but are curious why I am so hyped up about this accident, check out this video. God and David is good team!!!


Finally, I know I promised pictures of the completed homework. To be honest… I haven’t taken the “after” pictures yet. As soon as I do, I’ll get them posted.


Love ya’s,


Amy