Inspired…

So I have found it difficult to come up with anything interesting to blog about lately. I think a lot of that has to do with how personal my feelings have become recently. There aren’t many days that go by that someone doesn’t mention something to me about my life that I’m shocked that they know about. My first thought is – dang it momma, do you tell the world EVERYTHING?!? And then suddenly I realize – no dumb ass – YOU DO. Here on my blog. So, I feel like I’ve become more reserved. A bit guarded.

Why? Because I’m figuring out how to go on. To recapture my life. How to become the 31 year old women who is (and always has been) great at being the second half of a strong and happy relationship. I’m so proud of my strength. I am so proud of my balance. I know Dave is extremely proud of me and my ability to continue on honoring and loving him and yet continuing on living and striving for the life he always wanted for me. But with that said, there is still guilt. Why – I don’t know. Ask my heart. I have lusted after Jared Allen for a long long time. As a matter of fact – David introduced him to me while watching one of those damn hunting shows. But now – when I watch my favorite quarter back killer on Sundays I feel a bit weird/guilty gawking at that big beautiful body. Again – I have no idea why.

So then there is the dating thing. Piece of cake – right? Uhhh NO. Remember this post when I finally realized I wanted to seek out that guy to share my loving heart with David? I had typed this: He’d (David) want me to live. And with living he’d want me to love. Love myself, my family, my dogs, my friends and my job. He’d want me to be myself. That woman he loved more than life, more than anyone, more than anything in this world. Loving is what I do best. I was blessed with a HUGE heart. Someone reminded me of that recently during a “get honest” heart to heart moment. He said that David knew as he was dying that I would go on loving him for the rest of my life just as much as I loved him the day he died. He also knew that I had plenty of room in my heart for a second love. Not a replacement but someone to love who would love me back. Who would enjoy me and respect me and honor me just as David did. A man willing to share my heart with another recognizing and respecting there is plenty of room for both. David wanted that for me because he knew this would be the only way I’d truly be happy. He loved me that much. So back to the dating thing. Who the hell would want to jump into that baggage? And who the hell am I to ask anyone to even try?

Notice the title of this entry. Inspiration… This blog was inspired by (here’s a shock) by television. The Bachelor. One of the girls (Emily) in the running for the bachelor lost her soul mate (NASCAR’s Ricky Hendrick) years ago. She has been single for 6 years since his passing. Now on the show she had to share her baggage. It is who we are. Who we become. We don’t want it to define us, but it is who we turn into. No way around it. I used to call myself damaged goods. I’ve upgraded myself to refurbished. You know – like the electronics you buy off of OverStock.com. I am 100% operational, but used nonetheless. Unfortunately I’ve maxed out my upgrades. I am in love and I always will be. Honest to goodness IN STINKIN LOVE. That didn’t die with him. It’s not going away. So I am asking someone to be OK with that. WHAT!?! Seriously – who do I think I am? David is a tall order to compete with. Yes I said it. Compete with. You want to think it’s not a competition but it just is.

Here’s the thing. Dating pre David was complicated and not so fun. Tolerable but no magic. And then there was David. Pure spark right off the bat. Effortless. Couldn’t wait to see – speak to – hold one another. We were so well-suited. Thank GOD we didn’t have cell phones back then. We couldn’t afford the bills. The search was over. That was it. My life partner. Or so I thought…

Now my question is does that kind of compatibility happen twice? And if so, is he respectful enough to honor David’s memory with me and confident enough to share my heart with him? I am asking a lot, but being happy is so damn important. It is everything and I never want to be less of a partner than I was to David. I know how great it is when it works. I am not forcing anything. That won’t lead to anything good. The magic is just too important.

I feel so freaking selfish for asking so much from someone and yet I want (need) THAT GUY so bad. I want to be planning romantic get-a-ways, and talking about the future. Hell, I want to be looking for the perfect OBGYN and registering at Babies R Us. I want to be pushing my son or daughter with my friends’ and their sons and daughters in the park. I want to live out those dreams that I started when I was 18 years old and met Mr. Perfect (for me).

And here I sit. Flannel PJ’s on the couch in front of the TV with two dogs beside me.

Damn it. I miss you Dave!

Have a great night all. Girls – love a little longer on you Mr. Perfect (for you) tonight.

Love to all,

-Amy-

Ahhhh... Train - Marry Me

A great friend of mine shared this video today on her FaceBook page. I’m hooked. I mean – I love the song. But this video. PRECIOUS! This guy – Pat Monahan – ADORABLE. Again – I find hope. Maybe one Sunday morning while I am enjoying my All-star Breakfast at Waffle House (as I do every Sunday all by my lonesome) Mr. sure I’d be honored to share your huge heart with your late husband will walk in and I’ll be complete again. Damn I love hope. And I love my friend H.W. because she is awesome in every way. Like (this) – need an amazing photographer??? Once she has her precious baby boy #3 give her a shout. You won’t be disappointed. She is responsible for…

This.




And I love THIS!!!

Night Y’all

Amy

Confession...

I watch too much TV.

It’s true. I do. I confess. I have let television become my life. It is what I look forward to. It is what I can afford. Not trying to poor mouth here or make excuses for this obsession. It is just who I have become and the life I’ve been thrown into. I’m house poor and proud. Because I have a house… And I pray I can keep it that way… It’s a big prayer.

Anyway…

Here is a story for you.

David’s best friend SC has encouraged me to watch the movie P.S. I Love You for a while now. He knew I would get something beneficial from it but never told me what.

So here is my P.S. I Love You story.

One sappy night I was watching the House M.D. marathon on TV. I love the show House but it was David and my show. For the longest time since his passing I could not watch it because it made the loneliness more severe. With time, it got harder and harder to change the channel and before I knew it I was watching House again. So, this night after finishing the 3rd or 4th hour the next episode came on. It was the ONE episode that David and I always DIDN’T watch because it was ALWAYS on and we’d both seen it a million and 2 times. So naturally, I picked up the remote and moved on. Just a few channels up I see the beginning of this movie I’d never seen before with Gerald Butler in it. Here comes confession #2. This 31 year old widow’s hormones are in OVERDRIVE and it would take A LOT to get these green eyes to look away from Mr. Gerald Butler. So – I was glued. In the 1989 New Kids on the Block kinda way. See – I told you, HORMONES.

A few minutes into it I hit the INFO button on the remote. Up comes the movie title. P.S. I Love You. CRAP!!! Did I really want to watch this movie? And if I did – did I really want to see Gerald Butler die??? But again – HORMONES. I was glued. I watched in a self torturous way. Scene by scene. Moment by moment. Tears upon tears (yes I admit it). Relating 110% all the way thru. Did I really need to relive that horror? Did I need to see that in someone else’s perspective? Hell no. Or so I thought. Until this… This last scene. This scene makes it all worthwhile. Less than 4 minutes that changes everything. His name is William (in the movie) and William gives me hope. The hope for William brings me back from the dead too just as it did Holly.

(Click HERE to view scene)

Recap:

· David’s best friend SC encouraged me to watch this movie but I was too cowardly.
· David’s favorite show was on all day and at the very time the one episode came on he knew I would not watch P.S. I love you was beginning just a few channels up on the remote.
· I watched the movie only because of Gerald Butler who David knew I thought was gorgeous because I told him so every time we watched The Ugly Truth (which was a lot because D loved that movie).

Yep, I have a pretty amazing guardian angel. My life has become television and he used TV to bring me back to life. And I won’t believe anything but.

Side note:

For you Grey’s Anatomy watchers out there… Dave and I always joked that when he left this world he’d come back to be my “Denny”. I had to smile when I noticed William’s character in P.S. I Love You was played by the same actor (Jeffery Dean Morgan) as Denny’s in Grey’s. Icing on the cake – you know!?!

OK, I’m done playing crazy for the day.

Gotta prepare myself for Castle tonight. =)

Love ya,

-A-