Inspired…

So I have found it difficult to come up with anything interesting to blog about lately. I think a lot of that has to do with how personal my feelings have become recently. There aren’t many days that go by that someone doesn’t mention something to me about my life that I’m shocked that they know about. My first thought is – dang it momma, do you tell the world EVERYTHING?!? And then suddenly I realize – no dumb ass – YOU DO. Here on my blog. So, I feel like I’ve become more reserved. A bit guarded.

Why? Because I’m figuring out how to go on. To recapture my life. How to become the 31 year old women who is (and always has been) great at being the second half of a strong and happy relationship. I’m so proud of my strength. I am so proud of my balance. I know Dave is extremely proud of me and my ability to continue on honoring and loving him and yet continuing on living and striving for the life he always wanted for me. But with that said, there is still guilt. Why – I don’t know. Ask my heart. I have lusted after Jared Allen for a long long time. As a matter of fact – David introduced him to me while watching one of those damn hunting shows. But now – when I watch my favorite quarter back killer on Sundays I feel a bit weird/guilty gawking at that big beautiful body. Again – I have no idea why.

So then there is the dating thing. Piece of cake – right? Uhhh NO. Remember this post when I finally realized I wanted to seek out that guy to share my loving heart with David? I had typed this: He’d (David) want me to live. And with living he’d want me to love. Love myself, my family, my dogs, my friends and my job. He’d want me to be myself. That woman he loved more than life, more than anyone, more than anything in this world. Loving is what I do best. I was blessed with a HUGE heart. Someone reminded me of that recently during a “get honest” heart to heart moment. He said that David knew as he was dying that I would go on loving him for the rest of my life just as much as I loved him the day he died. He also knew that I had plenty of room in my heart for a second love. Not a replacement but someone to love who would love me back. Who would enjoy me and respect me and honor me just as David did. A man willing to share my heart with another recognizing and respecting there is plenty of room for both. David wanted that for me because he knew this would be the only way I’d truly be happy. He loved me that much. So back to the dating thing. Who the hell would want to jump into that baggage? And who the hell am I to ask anyone to even try?

Notice the title of this entry. Inspiration… This blog was inspired by (here’s a shock) by television. The Bachelor. One of the girls (Emily) in the running for the bachelor lost her soul mate (NASCAR’s Ricky Hendrick) years ago. She has been single for 6 years since his passing. Now on the show she had to share her baggage. It is who we are. Who we become. We don’t want it to define us, but it is who we turn into. No way around it. I used to call myself damaged goods. I’ve upgraded myself to refurbished. You know – like the electronics you buy off of OverStock.com. I am 100% operational, but used nonetheless. Unfortunately I’ve maxed out my upgrades. I am in love and I always will be. Honest to goodness IN STINKIN LOVE. That didn’t die with him. It’s not going away. So I am asking someone to be OK with that. WHAT!?! Seriously – who do I think I am? David is a tall order to compete with. Yes I said it. Compete with. You want to think it’s not a competition but it just is.

Here’s the thing. Dating pre David was complicated and not so fun. Tolerable but no magic. And then there was David. Pure spark right off the bat. Effortless. Couldn’t wait to see – speak to – hold one another. We were so well-suited. Thank GOD we didn’t have cell phones back then. We couldn’t afford the bills. The search was over. That was it. My life partner. Or so I thought…

Now my question is does that kind of compatibility happen twice? And if so, is he respectful enough to honor David’s memory with me and confident enough to share my heart with him? I am asking a lot, but being happy is so damn important. It is everything and I never want to be less of a partner than I was to David. I know how great it is when it works. I am not forcing anything. That won’t lead to anything good. The magic is just too important.

I feel so freaking selfish for asking so much from someone and yet I want (need) THAT GUY so bad. I want to be planning romantic get-a-ways, and talking about the future. Hell, I want to be looking for the perfect OBGYN and registering at Babies R Us. I want to be pushing my son or daughter with my friends’ and their sons and daughters in the park. I want to live out those dreams that I started when I was 18 years old and met Mr. Perfect (for me).

And here I sit. Flannel PJ’s on the couch in front of the TV with two dogs beside me.

Damn it. I miss you Dave!

Have a great night all. Girls – love a little longer on you Mr. Perfect (for you) tonight.

Love to all,

-Amy-