Acceptance…

How do you deal with the hardships in your life?

Do you think about how difficult your life is? Do you obsess about it? Make yourself crazy going over and over in your head of how you could have prevented such an occurrence? Or do you refuse to deal with it. Ignore it and take an “I don’t care” attitude? Do you become someone you aren’t and do and say things you don’t mean?

Meet the Amy of the last 7 months. I am guilty of all the above. You know, there are books and blogs and movies and therapists out there who can help guide you through life’s tough times. I’m not talking about a broken down car or an empty savings account. I am talking about life’s true challenges.

David’s death was the truest of true challenges for me. And yes, I’ve read books and blogs and watched movies and seen a therapist in order to help cope with such a loss. And yes, for the most part they helped. But it wasn’t until recently the act of coping became natural. Life is beginning to flow. There are speed bumps I hurtle throughout the day but just speed bumps rather than the mountains of the months prior. No, life will never be the same but the fact of it is I must live. I must be honest with myself, my feelings and my needs. I must ACCEPT. I had a great life, a great love, a great husband. But he is gone and yet I live. We are separated by death but we are bonded for life by a love that will never die. This is my cherished treasure I get to carry with me always. And because of this I am lucky. I accept the past and recognize that I HAVE A FUTURE.

So what do I do with that future?

I ACCEPT my past and get busy living. Dave wanted to live so badly. Not exist. He wanted to live. For the last 7 months I merely existed. Shame on me. He wouldn’t want that. He’d want me to live. And with living he’d want me to love. Love myself, my family, my dogs, my friends and my job. He’d want me to be myself. That woman he loved more than life, more than anyone, more than anything in this world. Loving is what I do best. I was blessed with a HUGE heart. Someone reminded me of that recently during a “get honest” heart to heart moment. He said that David knew as he was dying that I would go on loving him for the rest of my life just as much as I loved him the day he died. He also knew that I had plenty of room in my heart for a second love. Not a replacement but someone to love who would love me back. Who would enjoy me and respect me and honor me just as David did. A man willing to share my heart with another recognizing and respecting there is plenty of room for both. David wanted that for me because he knew this would be the only way I’d truly be happy. He loved me that much.

Accepting that truth has been nearly as difficult as accepting that David is gone. But getting honest with me is part of moving on. A part of LIVING.

Dear Amy,

You suck at being single. You’ve got too much love in that heart and you are selling yourself short trying to exist as if your memories will suffice you for the rest of your life. Don’t shut down. Be YOU. The YOU David loved unconditionally and wants you to be. It’s OK. You deserve to be happy again.

Love,

Yourself…

So there you have it folks. I’m not living in bars in stiletto heels and a pushup bra nor am I joining a singles site. I am just LIVING with my eyes and my heart wide open.

Thank you David for the peace and the self acceptance. You are and will always remain my first and forever love. Thank you for giving me the strength to admit to the world and to myself that I am not dead yet and there is no need to act as if I am.

So let the judging begin… =/

Have a great weekend all.

Amy

Oh how I love that Fav-ree guy...

Hey guys,

Quick posting today.

Most of you know my obsession with Brett Favre that dates back to the mid 90’s. Well anyway, I think he is awesome – beyond awesome. Always have and always will. I challenge you to try and convince me otherwise. You will lose. Trust me on this. I think his never give up passion for the game and life in general is something to be admired not ridiculed.

Dave loved to tease me about my obsession, but deep down he understood it. He appreciated Brett Favre for the same reasons I do. Dave treated his life and his illness with the same passion and never give up attitude Brett Favre does football. Let’s face it, Brett is a Grandpa (it's true) and he is still showing up every Sunday to get pushed around by 300+ Lb men (not to mention still launching cannons down the field like he is 20 years old). That is willpower friends!

I know I have spoken to many of you about an adorable couple I know who fight sarcoma together just as David and I did. Although neither David nor I have ever met Karen and Todd, we talked about and prayed for them all the time. I would read the updates on their CaringBridge website describing Todd’s illness to Dave and he would always say how sorry he felt for Todd as he (Todd) was so much sicker than he was. He was right. Not in denial. It is strange how life works. It can and will turn on you fast folks.

Anyway, back to Brett. You must read Karen’s latest update (here) from Wednesday October 6th! WOW. Yep, oh how I love me some Brett Fav-ree (as Dave would teasingly say it)!

I can still hear Dave’s voice shouting to me from the other end of our house, “Amm, your fav-ree guy is on TV.”

With all that said, please keep both Todd and Karen in your prayers. They are an amazingly strong couple and I pray each day that God gives them a miracle - even if that miracle is merely time.

Have a great Friday Eve all!

Love,

Amy

Dear God, I’ve missed You...

Dear God, I’ve missed You.

Well friends I did it. I went to church.

It was AWESOME.

I walked in being so pissed off at God and walked out with peace. No kidding.

I asked Steve (Dave’s BF) who was also there with Lauren and me if he had told on me because the message felt like it was 100% directed at me.

I will never understand why Dave had to suffer as he did and die even after his best efforts to live. Well, I guess I will never understand while on earth anyway. I just need to trust in the fact that it was His plan and it had purpose. I need to live on appreciating the time we did have and letting go all the anger and resentment that has built up over the last 6+ months. After all – that isn’t the me my David loved. I need to be that person again. I need to be me.

Each morning I receive a quotation from the grief website I joined. This was today’s message…

“Today I have a choice. I can think about the past and mourn my losses or I can embrace the future and live in hope.” – Anonymous

It is wild how someday something just clicks, the stars all line up and peace is found.

Today my faith is restored; today I begin embracing my future and live on in hope. And when I have struggles I have God, Church 922, and Pastor C. his gorgeous wife A. to help guide me back on the right path.

Today I am full of the (F) word, and not the one I’ve found myself using very regularly lately. Today I am once again full of FAITH!

I close with a great song. (Who You Are)

Live in hope friends,

Amy