Acceptance…

How do you deal with the hardships in your life?

Do you think about how difficult your life is? Do you obsess about it? Make yourself crazy going over and over in your head of how you could have prevented such an occurrence? Or do you refuse to deal with it. Ignore it and take an “I don’t care” attitude? Do you become someone you aren’t and do and say things you don’t mean?

Meet the Amy of the last 7 months. I am guilty of all the above. You know, there are books and blogs and movies and therapists out there who can help guide you through life’s tough times. I’m not talking about a broken down car or an empty savings account. I am talking about life’s true challenges.

David’s death was the truest of true challenges for me. And yes, I’ve read books and blogs and watched movies and seen a therapist in order to help cope with such a loss. And yes, for the most part they helped. But it wasn’t until recently the act of coping became natural. Life is beginning to flow. There are speed bumps I hurtle throughout the day but just speed bumps rather than the mountains of the months prior. No, life will never be the same but the fact of it is I must live. I must be honest with myself, my feelings and my needs. I must ACCEPT. I had a great life, a great love, a great husband. But he is gone and yet I live. We are separated by death but we are bonded for life by a love that will never die. This is my cherished treasure I get to carry with me always. And because of this I am lucky. I accept the past and recognize that I HAVE A FUTURE.

So what do I do with that future?

I ACCEPT my past and get busy living. Dave wanted to live so badly. Not exist. He wanted to live. For the last 7 months I merely existed. Shame on me. He wouldn’t want that. He’d want me to live. And with living he’d want me to love. Love myself, my family, my dogs, my friends and my job. He’d want me to be myself. That woman he loved more than life, more than anyone, more than anything in this world. Loving is what I do best. I was blessed with a HUGE heart. Someone reminded me of that recently during a “get honest” heart to heart moment. He said that David knew as he was dying that I would go on loving him for the rest of my life just as much as I loved him the day he died. He also knew that I had plenty of room in my heart for a second love. Not a replacement but someone to love who would love me back. Who would enjoy me and respect me and honor me just as David did. A man willing to share my heart with another recognizing and respecting there is plenty of room for both. David wanted that for me because he knew this would be the only way I’d truly be happy. He loved me that much.

Accepting that truth has been nearly as difficult as accepting that David is gone. But getting honest with me is part of moving on. A part of LIVING.

Dear Amy,

You suck at being single. You’ve got too much love in that heart and you are selling yourself short trying to exist as if your memories will suffice you for the rest of your life. Don’t shut down. Be YOU. The YOU David loved unconditionally and wants you to be. It’s OK. You deserve to be happy again.

Love,

Yourself…

So there you have it folks. I’m not living in bars in stiletto heels and a pushup bra nor am I joining a singles site. I am just LIVING with my eyes and my heart wide open.

Thank you David for the peace and the self acceptance. You are and will always remain my first and forever love. Thank you for giving me the strength to admit to the world and to myself that I am not dead yet and there is no need to act as if I am.

So let the judging begin… =/

Have a great weekend all.

Amy