Amy - The Problem Solver...

It is no secret that I am anxious to meet someone to share my life with again. As a matter of fact, I find it hard to believe that I once (not too long ago) had myself convinced that I would remain happily single the rest of my life. It is just not possible (for me).

David’s mission statement was live life to the fullest finding fun in all we do… It is so awesome knowing that while facing the daily horrors we did, he and I still lived by that motto each and every day. I am so proud that we did not let David’s cancer win that battle. David had cancer, but cancer did not have him. And yet now living life to the fullest finding fun in all I do is ridiculously hard while alone. As I’ve said before, I am best as a team. Rolling solo isn’t doing me well. It just isn’t me.

During a brief moment of desperation last weekend I completed the online EHarmony registration. Although I later discovered that online dating ISN’T for me, I am grateful I completed the registration as it got me thinking. I’m in sales. I have been in some sort of sales for quite some time. One would think I’d have a pretty good handle on selling myself right!?! Not so much. Amy, what are three words that best describe you? Husbandless, Childless, Broke. Hummm…. Okay. Probably not the best descriptive words to use on an online dating profile. I had to dig deep. I love with all my heart. I give my all for what I’m passionate about and I am an excellent problem solver. The first two are great qualities in my opinion. I love quickly, whole heartily and faithfully. I put 110% effort into what means a lot to me. Great stuff, but unique? No. Not so much. That doesn’t make me all that special right?!? That problem solver gig... Now that is good stuff. I rock that quality big time. I’m not just talking about fixing a broken dishwasher. I’m talking about the big stuff. Let’s face it – I’ve been challenged with some pretty damn big stuff!!! That is when I’m on my A game. I don’t know if that is a big selling point, but I am who I am. I can get stuff done.

Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly DO NOT want to acquire someone else’s mega problems to solve. I think I deserve a break from that. I just simply need to be needed. I want to be the receiving end of someone’s most inner personal thoughts. I want someone who I can share my own with (beside my poor momma and sister who have been subjected to it all the last year). I want to be the first person someone dials when they have news they cannot wait to share. I want to prepare dinners, and set alarm clocks, and buy deodorant for someone special again. I want to have the challenge of balancing the families for the holidays. You get the idea. I need to be part of a team where I am relied on for love, for trust and for needs. I need to be needed more than in the way my dogs and my employer need me. I will never feel whole again until I find that, and I’d like to feel whole again so badly.

After all, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world… Right Babs!?! I love Babs!!!!

I watched Funny Girl yesterday just for this scene. What a great movie. LOVE the classics! Thank you momma for instilling in me the importance of classic music and movies. Maybe someday I will pass that on to my child?!? Talk about being needed!!! Maybe that is why my biological clock is beating louder and harder than ever?!? =D

Have a great week all.

With love,

Amy

"To Where You Are"~Josh Groban P.S. I Love You Video

Dear David,

Last night after yet another unsuccessful night of searching for my “William”, I pulled onto our street glancing down at our empty driveway. My reaction to noting your truck missing was “wonder where he’s at”. And when the cruel reality returned to mind as it always does I glanced down at my hands on YOUR steering wheel on YOUR ole’ Dodge (the money pit) and instead of sadness I felt comforted. I felt my hands with yours - your grip on that wheel along with mine. I didn’t need to pick up the phone to find support. I had it – in you. And for that I’m so grateful. For that and for so many other things…

Love,

-Amy-

Happy St. Patrick's Day all!!!

In honor of St. Patrick’s day - My favorite Irishmen... Mr. Van Morrison performing the ORIGINAL Brown Eyed Girl!!!

Amy

So here it is…

Wednesday, 3/10/2010

The single most difficult decision of my life…

Copied from David’s CaringBridge page:

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 8:55 AM, EST

3/10/2010

Hello everyone.

Just needed to let you know David had a terrible night. His confusion is back in full force and he does not even know me. We haven’t seen any doctors yet today so I’m not sure what is going on. All I know is that David would not want anyone to see him this way, so visitors at the moment probably isn’t a good thing. I hope and pray this changes soon. I’m getting a taste of what missing “him” feels like already and it is horrible. As soon as he snaps out of it I will let you all know.

Please continue to pray for the sound mind my prideful David deserves throughout the duration of his heroic life.

Thanks again.

Love,

Amy

Later that morning:

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 12:44 PM, EST

3/10/2010 (B)

Dr. Mannion was in. David is better “on paper” but his body isn’t responding to the improvements. Dr. Mannion recommended that I allow him to stop the IV antibiotics and to start reflecting on my memories of the good times. Not the words I expected to hear today. After all, just yesterday we spent the day laughing and thoroughly enjoying our time with his lovely visitors. He also told me that he knows David, and that he does not want to be here. He has never wanted to be in this hospital. Dr. Mannion (as usual) is right. Unfortunately he also said that David is in no condition to go home, and he is sad he could not provide David with that wish. He recommended a hospice consult and I agreed. David is resting peacefully but this is only achieved with medication. He is restless and disorientated without.

I will update as soon as there are any changes, and also with what is determined after the hospice consult.

Thank you for EVERYTHING.

With love,

Amy

Now – 365 days later I still find it difficult to type out the details from that day. But I want to.

There is a nurse on the cancer unit David and I knew beyond that hospital. Nurse M is a friend. A delightful woman who is beautiful on the inside and out. Ironically she was never assigned to David in the 3+ years he practically lived on that unit. Never until this day. And it was totally a God thing.

As you read above, David had a bad morning which came just after a GREAT day. Tuesday was spectacular! We laughed and talked and visited with amazing friends and family. By Wednesday morning it was evident Tuesday was the “calm before the storm” day.

Not knowing at the time if the David from Tuesday would return, I was reluctant to sign on immediately for stopping all the life preserving medications. I owed it to David to allow him to make this decision as it was he who fought harder and stronger than most would to beat this horrendous cancer. I couldn’t do it. Small amounts of calming and pain medication orders were written and administered as prescribed, but only enough medication to allow David to maintain a clear mind - enough to make decisions if he were to ever become responsive again.

By early afternoon it was evident that David was uncomfortable. I knew by glancing at the clock that it wasn’t time for more medication but I called for Nurse M anyhow. She agreed that he was obviously becoming more uncomfortable and her loving eyes said it all. I knew. I asked her if the reason Dr. Mannion had only prescribed mild amounts of medication was because of my hope that he would make the decision whether to continue fighting or to enter the Hospice program. She reluctantly but honestly replied yes. And still I was torn. Torn like never before and I pray never again.

What happened next is the one gesture I will be thankful for more than any.

I looked at my precious David and asked if he were ready to be healed. I asked him if he was ready to meet Jesus. I told him how proud I was of him and how hard he worked for us. Then I simply told him that I was OK. David did not respond. I looked at Nurse M who had tears in her eyes as well. We each looked at David again and I asked him to show me two fingers if he was ready to go to Heaven. And he did…

He was ready. I don’t know what I would have done without his approval. I could not make that decision without him. We were a team until the end and I couldn’t jump into the driver’s side for this decision. He saved me that day.

What an angel I have! How blessed am I!!! I am so grateful to have experienced that kind of selfless love.

So there you have it. David was comfortable from that moment on until meeting his Lord and Savior less than 48 hours later.

He lives on inside each of us that took the time to “get it” as he said all the time. And we will spend the anniversary of his healing together honoring that amazing mans memory.

I look forward to raising one of his beloved brown bottles in his name.

Have a great day all.

With love,

-Amy-

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate