There is nothing like forgiveness to resurrect the soul…

I’m back.

It was FUN!!!

So --- with that said, I shall not go any further into this entry without thanking my amazingly generous parents for treating me to such a trip. Have I mentioned I hit the parent lottery?!?

I had a blast --- gained 5 pounds. No kidding.

I ate and drank and drank and ate. I tanned and swam and swam and tanned. Most of all --- I smiled and laughed and laughed and smiled.

And now I am home…

Don’t get me wrong --- there isn’t many things that can compare to the unconditional love two dogs show you after a week’s worth of your absence. Truly a “feel good” feeling. But --- as I said, if my dogs’ love could get it for me I’d be set for life.

I drove most of the way home yesterday. That is a lot of driving, but the control freak in me (which is a newfound issue I completely blame on cancer) doesn’t mind being behind the wheel rather than the backseat driver.

Anyway, all the “road time” leaves your mind with a lot of opportunity to think. And that is just what I did. I decided that rather than feeling sorry for myself I’d do something about my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong --- it isn’t like I can snap my fingers and make everything better. Let’s face it --- I would have used that trick 4+ years ago! But --- sitting around all frowned faced isn’t gonna do a damn thing to help either.

I’m nearly 32 years old and I’m miserable. I own a tiny house that most months I struggle to afford. I have two oil drinking rust-buckets in the driveway (both without operating air-conditioning) and cannot even think about affording a new vehicle. Oh – and my career. Yep – I sell (using the word sell loosely) the stuff that is thought to have caused my late husband’s cancer. When I say sell --- well I am an “order taker” who knows a little something about growing grass. Wow. That obviously isn’t cutting it (no pun intended) cause I obviously have a cash flow issue.

And as shitty as all that reads --- it’s nothing new. I have had most of those hang-ups for over four years now. The difference NOW being is that I wasn’t alone. Those weren’t just MY issues. They were OUR issues. And together everything was tolerable.

So what now --- sit around feeling sorry for myself? Uhhhh… HELL NO!

I must do something about it. There are no other choices. I need direction. I need God. I need a path to happiness. I am the LAST person to ask for help. I have a pride issue much like David did. I prefer to figure things out on my own. But maybe – just maybe that is my problem?!? Maybe I need a little more God in my life? I know I am a whole lot less pissed at Him these days. As a matter of fact – I carry no resentment toward Him at all. I don’t have to like God’s plan but I do have to trust in it. And I do.

So --- Big Guy… This is me submitting my stubborn self to You. I give. You are the Boss. I get it. I’m not pleading for miracles anymore. I just ask for direction in my life to achieve the happiness I feel I deserve. So I guess I’m placing an order. I’m not picky. You know me. I want another loving husband and at least one child and I’m hoping this is in Your plan for me. I don’t care a thing about money. I love my little house and I usually love my cheep ole rusty car but when it feels a little less like a HOT BOX as it does in the HOT-HUMID summer months. I just want an informal little life with a happy family rich in faith and love alone. So – please pave the path. I am putting on my hiking boots and am ready to follow. Thank You and Amen…

And thank you to my fellow sarcoma widow friend, Jess who always inspires me (like this) to reach into my bruised faith and set aside the pain and hurt I’ve felt for so long now. Jess, you are amazing and although I HATE why our lives have connected, I am extremely thankful that they have.

Back to reality folks. The alarm is set and I’ll be back to order taking in the AM. That is if one of the rust-buckets will get me there. ;)

And thankfully --- now that I’ve gotten all that out, it’s feeling a bit better to be home.

Oh – and God, this one’s for you…

Love to all…

-Amy-

Friday, May 20th --- Destin, FL

Indecisive me...

I have noticed a pattern, and I am not so sure this pattern is a healthy one or maybe it is simply typical for the suddenly widowed 30+ year old. Either way, I just need to figure this out --- for my sanity sake if nothing else.

As if you cannot tell from my blog entries, I’m all over the sinking place.

One day all I want to do is stare at David’s pictures and listen to our music, and the next day I want to set the pictures safely out of sight, put on the push-up bra and an extra coat of mascara in hopes to help find a new man to share my heart. (Side note – I DO NOT want a man who likes me just because I have nice boobs and particularly long eyelashes. --- Just sayin)

The bottom line - as the beautiful Katy Perry would say…

I’m hot then I’m cold
I’m yes then I’m no
I’m in then I’m out
I’m up then I’m down

My life has been nothing less than a rollercoaster for four + years now. Needless to say – I want off!

But leaving David’s photos in the drawer and glancing at the attractive 6 + foot tall (hopefully single) man a solitary second longer than normal leaves me feeling guilty. It is complete self torture whether I attempt to find a new guy or completely shut myself off to the idea in general. SERIOUSLY – what the heck!?! I knew being a widow wouldn’t be easy, but I am over the “damned if I do – damned if I don’t” scenario. (As I pat myself on the back) I deserve better!!!!!!!!! And the truth is – I WANT better.

It is not just the biological clock thing or the fact I’ve been forced into doing laundry, or that there is no one to fetch me a new roll of toilet paper. It is the fact that I want someone to be the center of my universe again, and I want to be the center of some else’s universe again, and together I want to create a life (or lives) that become OUR universe and WE become THEIRS. I want the happy family. The dysfunctional and yet functional F-A-M-I-L-Y I have always dreamed of. Because (as I pat myself on the back again) I deserve it, and my parents deserve to be grandparents, and my sister deserves to be an aunt. Because I know in my heart it is who I was destined to be, and I am SO excited to become that person I can hardly stand it --- widow guilt and all.

I know what it is like to be just that happy. To have your life on that flat track where everything is moving slow and steady and there is nothing ahead but great opportunities and chances to achieve all your hopes and desires. Then suddenly you hit that dip of the rollercoaster and I just cannot seem to jump the hell off! Cancer keeps winning and I am WAY to strong and stubborn to allow that.

And so it begins. I leave for vacation in two days and THIS time I am GOING to have a good time (rather than last May when I HATED everything to do with it and had to fake it for my family in order to not appear ungrateful)!!! And when I return – It’s on!!! I am going to find the flat tracks again and jump onboard. Now…I just need the riding partner. ;)

Before I close – I just have to say THANKS to those allowing me this vacation. 1st Mom and Dad for footing the bill (otherwise I wouldn’t be going) and 2nd to A. and C. for taking care of my house and dogs while I’m away. (Did you catch that all you bad people??? My house will NOT be left unattended for you to come thieve!)

Have a good one all! I’ll be back with a full report and a rested mind and body the 23rd.

Love ya,

Amy

P.S. – To Gym buddy: I miss you guys! We need to catch up!!! See you the 23rd??? I wanna know how your special Friday went. =D

So, what do you…

So what do you write about when you just can’t find anything good to write? Is this kinda like: don’t say anything if you don’t have anything good to say? Does the same slogan apply to blogs?

Does my little posy in the blogosphere really wanna hear how negative I am lately? How much I miss him? How pissed I am that I can’t ask him to grab me a roll of toilet paper when I’m sitting mid stream realizing the roll is bare? Sorry – T.M.I. I know, but think about it. Think about all the things you take for granted. You know you have done it… “Honey can you bring me some toilet paper?”

I suspect there are two contributing factors to my recent funk. 1) The new golf course gig (which I love and would not give up for anything - BTW). I find myself looking out the window and literally replaying events that occurred YEARS ago at that place in my head. Back when I had life by the balls. I just didn’t know it. 2) The fact that I put finding #2 on the backburner. Although I am glad I have. Letting go of that excitement makes my reality a little too clear. You know – like when you cannot talk your dog into fetching you toilet paper… That’s real. I miss him!

Anyway – V A C A T I O N!!!! 10 more days’ folks! I cannot think of a single vacation I needed more than this one. And luckily I’ve been on many, as I have the very best parents in the world who love to vacation and love me.

10 days until pure white sand and a blue sky like this…

(From his last cancer free beach vacation)

Oh and this guy in conversation, memories and spirit…

Have a good day!

It would be nice if we’d get some rain ya know!?!

Love,

Amy