Indecisive me...

I have noticed a pattern, and I am not so sure this pattern is a healthy one or maybe it is simply typical for the suddenly widowed 30+ year old. Either way, I just need to figure this out --- for my sanity sake if nothing else.

As if you cannot tell from my blog entries, I’m all over the sinking place.

One day all I want to do is stare at David’s pictures and listen to our music, and the next day I want to set the pictures safely out of sight, put on the push-up bra and an extra coat of mascara in hopes to help find a new man to share my heart. (Side note – I DO NOT want a man who likes me just because I have nice boobs and particularly long eyelashes. --- Just sayin)

The bottom line - as the beautiful Katy Perry would say…

I’m hot then I’m cold
I’m yes then I’m no
I’m in then I’m out
I’m up then I’m down

My life has been nothing less than a rollercoaster for four + years now. Needless to say – I want off!

But leaving David’s photos in the drawer and glancing at the attractive 6 + foot tall (hopefully single) man a solitary second longer than normal leaves me feeling guilty. It is complete self torture whether I attempt to find a new guy or completely shut myself off to the idea in general. SERIOUSLY – what the heck!?! I knew being a widow wouldn’t be easy, but I am over the “damned if I do – damned if I don’t” scenario. (As I pat myself on the back) I deserve better!!!!!!!!! And the truth is – I WANT better.

It is not just the biological clock thing or the fact I’ve been forced into doing laundry, or that there is no one to fetch me a new roll of toilet paper. It is the fact that I want someone to be the center of my universe again, and I want to be the center of some else’s universe again, and together I want to create a life (or lives) that become OUR universe and WE become THEIRS. I want the happy family. The dysfunctional and yet functional F-A-M-I-L-Y I have always dreamed of. Because (as I pat myself on the back again) I deserve it, and my parents deserve to be grandparents, and my sister deserves to be an aunt. Because I know in my heart it is who I was destined to be, and I am SO excited to become that person I can hardly stand it --- widow guilt and all.

I know what it is like to be just that happy. To have your life on that flat track where everything is moving slow and steady and there is nothing ahead but great opportunities and chances to achieve all your hopes and desires. Then suddenly you hit that dip of the rollercoaster and I just cannot seem to jump the hell off! Cancer keeps winning and I am WAY to strong and stubborn to allow that.

And so it begins. I leave for vacation in two days and THIS time I am GOING to have a good time (rather than last May when I HATED everything to do with it and had to fake it for my family in order to not appear ungrateful)!!! And when I return – It’s on!!! I am going to find the flat tracks again and jump onboard. Now…I just need the riding partner. ;)

Before I close – I just have to say THANKS to those allowing me this vacation. 1st Mom and Dad for footing the bill (otherwise I wouldn’t be going) and 2nd to A. and C. for taking care of my house and dogs while I’m away. (Did you catch that all you bad people??? My house will NOT be left unattended for you to come thieve!)

Have a good one all! I’ll be back with a full report and a rested mind and body the 23rd.

Love ya,

Amy

P.S. – To Gym buddy: I miss you guys! We need to catch up!!! See you the 23rd??? I wanna know how your special Friday went. =D