There is nothing like forgiveness to resurrect the soul…

I’m back.

It was FUN!!!

So --- with that said, I shall not go any further into this entry without thanking my amazingly generous parents for treating me to such a trip. Have I mentioned I hit the parent lottery?!?

I had a blast --- gained 5 pounds. No kidding.

I ate and drank and drank and ate. I tanned and swam and swam and tanned. Most of all --- I smiled and laughed and laughed and smiled.

And now I am home…

Don’t get me wrong --- there isn’t many things that can compare to the unconditional love two dogs show you after a week’s worth of your absence. Truly a “feel good” feeling. But --- as I said, if my dogs’ love could get it for me I’d be set for life.

I drove most of the way home yesterday. That is a lot of driving, but the control freak in me (which is a newfound issue I completely blame on cancer) doesn’t mind being behind the wheel rather than the backseat driver.

Anyway, all the “road time” leaves your mind with a lot of opportunity to think. And that is just what I did. I decided that rather than feeling sorry for myself I’d do something about my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong --- it isn’t like I can snap my fingers and make everything better. Let’s face it --- I would have used that trick 4+ years ago! But --- sitting around all frowned faced isn’t gonna do a damn thing to help either.

I’m nearly 32 years old and I’m miserable. I own a tiny house that most months I struggle to afford. I have two oil drinking rust-buckets in the driveway (both without operating air-conditioning) and cannot even think about affording a new vehicle. Oh – and my career. Yep – I sell (using the word sell loosely) the stuff that is thought to have caused my late husband’s cancer. When I say sell --- well I am an “order taker” who knows a little something about growing grass. Wow. That obviously isn’t cutting it (no pun intended) cause I obviously have a cash flow issue.

And as shitty as all that reads --- it’s nothing new. I have had most of those hang-ups for over four years now. The difference NOW being is that I wasn’t alone. Those weren’t just MY issues. They were OUR issues. And together everything was tolerable.

So what now --- sit around feeling sorry for myself? Uhhhh… HELL NO!

I must do something about it. There are no other choices. I need direction. I need God. I need a path to happiness. I am the LAST person to ask for help. I have a pride issue much like David did. I prefer to figure things out on my own. But maybe – just maybe that is my problem?!? Maybe I need a little more God in my life? I know I am a whole lot less pissed at Him these days. As a matter of fact – I carry no resentment toward Him at all. I don’t have to like God’s plan but I do have to trust in it. And I do.

So --- Big Guy… This is me submitting my stubborn self to You. I give. You are the Boss. I get it. I’m not pleading for miracles anymore. I just ask for direction in my life to achieve the happiness I feel I deserve. So I guess I’m placing an order. I’m not picky. You know me. I want another loving husband and at least one child and I’m hoping this is in Your plan for me. I don’t care a thing about money. I love my little house and I usually love my cheep ole rusty car but when it feels a little less like a HOT BOX as it does in the HOT-HUMID summer months. I just want an informal little life with a happy family rich in faith and love alone. So – please pave the path. I am putting on my hiking boots and am ready to follow. Thank You and Amen…

And thank you to my fellow sarcoma widow friend, Jess who always inspires me (like this) to reach into my bruised faith and set aside the pain and hurt I’ve felt for so long now. Jess, you are amazing and although I HATE why our lives have connected, I am extremely thankful that they have.

Back to reality folks. The alarm is set and I’ll be back to order taking in the AM. That is if one of the rust-buckets will get me there. ;)

And thankfully --- now that I’ve gotten all that out, it’s feeling a bit better to be home.

Oh – and God, this one’s for you…

Love to all…

-Amy-

Friday, May 20th --- Destin, FL