Pearl Jam - Just Breathe

Amazing Grace Followed by a Breakdown...

Hello friends.

I first want to say thank you to those who attended the Hospice memorial service where David was honored. It means a lot to me.

Upon receiving the invitation for this event I was enthused and eager to send in the RSVP. This was 3 weeks ago. My enthusiasm decreased as the day grew closer. I am not exactly sure why. Maybe because I cry over ANYTHING these days, and I’m not a fan of crying in public. Maybe it is because I know David would be singled out in a crowd and he would HATE that. Maybe it is because his parents (the technical ones as he called them) were coming for a change and they haven’t spoken to me since his funeral. I’m the devil didn’t you know? Just ask them. =) If you are buying that I suggest you get some Windex because you are having a hard time seeing through their transparency. Woops did I say that… Well, speaking the TRUTH isn’t a crime.

Anyway, I went. I did great. I was honored to be the surviving spouse to such a wonderful man who loved me so so much. I was strong and proud. Not a tear in my eye UNTIL… Amazing Grace. It wasn’t the familiar melody or the lyrics that set off the waterworks; it was the kind hearted gentleman behind me singing it so beautifully. It was him, Father Schmidt from St. Augustine Church. I have so many great memories at that church.

When I was young (before Lauren even) Mom worked every other Saturday. On those Saturdays dad and I would go to the Dream Street McDonalds, then to St. Augustine with Grandma and Grandpa and then back to their house where we would eat Cracker Barrel cheese and watch The Golden Girls followed by Empty Nest.

Fast forward several years… Grandma and Grandpa had long gone on to Heaven and David and I had just begun dating. For some reason I cannot remember we went to church at St. Augustine. This was David’s first Catholic mass experience. I will never forget David’s comment while leaving the church. “OK, why exactly did he (Father Schmidt) bend down to kiss that book?” Too funny. We still laugh about that. He was so precious!

Hearing Father Schmidt sing that song brought back so many amazing memories. Grandma Selm, PawPaw Leo, Granny Kay, and David… Oh my David.

Cherish those loved ones with us here on earth and celebrate the lives of those who have moved on to the better place this weekend.

David honey, I am going to eat some pig and drink some Killians for you babe.

With love,
Amy

Johann Pachelbel - Canon

Till death do us part?

Till death do us part…


Does that mean David and I are no longer married? Ummm… HELL NO! Happy 6th anniversary to my love in Heaven.


I’m fairly certain nobody is interested in hearing about all the emotions I’m feeling at the moment. I’m not even sure I want to own them. I just know 6 years ago I entered into the most magical marriage. Two became one that day. David died 6 months ago and left me half a person. So the story goes, lonely sad, angry… did I say lonely? I know – a broken record.




I spent my anniversary morning watching my wedding video from start to finish. Some of the best parts twice (like this). While watching that video I was reminded of all the wonderful people who helped make that weekend so memorable. Obviously my amazing mom and dad who spent their hard earned cash on the whole thing. From invitations, to the rehearsal dinner, to the videographer. All of it. Of course I am extremely appreciative of that. But what I was truly drawn to on Saturday was all the unexpected help.


First – my “Aunt” Mary. She was so wonderful at keeping my mom calm and ironing out all the wrinkles of the day. Thanks Aunt Mary. I don’t think we could have done it without you.

My Aunt Ellen. That day we had asked two of David’s family members to be program attendants. One of those ladies was ill and did not make it and the other chose just not to do it at the last minute. Aunt Ellen didn’t take offence that she wasn’t asked initially. She just took charge and seen that everyone received a friendly smile and a program while entering the church. Thank you so much Aunt Ellen. I hope you know how much that kind gesture meant to me (and David too I’m sure).

Laura and Paul. You guys tried so hard. Laura and Paul were about to be 1st time parents. Baby Olivia wanted it to be her special day too so she gave Laura plenty of signs that she wanted to come into the world the very day of our wedding. The adorable anxious couple tried so hard to make it all day, but Olivia had other plans for them. They made it for pre-wedding pictures but that was all Olivia was going to allow. We have the last photo of Laura and Paul lives before they started their ever growing beautiful family. Thank you guys so much for trying so hard to be a part of our day. We felt your love there in spirit.

Jamie Fichner. What can I say about Jamal!?! He wrote a song for us! Jamie, I miss you buddy. I hope you are doing well. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

Aunt Betty. Again, what can I say? She helped me pee she bought me day of pimple crème and she had the pleasure of letting me know my cat shredded my cathedral length veil while we were away at our rehearsal dinner. True story. She made sure only the best worked on my hair to make it just perfect. She is awesome, and I’m so proud to be her mini-me.

Last but not least… Josh. I just love Joshy. Josh lived with Dave and me when we were married. He was a HUGE help. He helped roll silverware, he bought last minute candles, he arranged the party bus, and he took care of our house while we were away. He was awesome, but that is Josh. He’d give you the shirt off his back. It is a story for another day (when I’m ready) but the very last word David said before he died was Josh. Yep – he’s that special.

I leave you with my favorite wedding photo of all time. I’d give anything to see that ring on his finger again. Instead I wear it around my neck… I miss you my love.

Goodnight everyone.


Love,




Amy

Daughtry - September

"September"

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave

And all those days we spent out by the lake

Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made

One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear

So we made our way by finding what was real

Now the days are so long that summer's moving on

We reach for something that's already gone

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town

But we never knew when and we never knew how

We would end up here the way we are

Yeah we knew we had to leave this town

But we never knew when and we never knew how

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

A birthday and a kick in the dick…

9/6/2010

Hello all! I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend.

First, thanks to all those who reached out to me on Friday. The beauty of being an adult is that you can make as much or as little out of a birthday as you like. This birthday was just a technicality for me. I sure didn’t feel like celebrating another year of my life knowing how hard David fought for just another year of his own only to have it be taken away so prematurely by a relentless cancer – sarcoma. Maybe next year – maybe not. If David could speak to me from Heaven he would remind me of how precious life is and that it is to be celebrated. My answer to him would be simple. Living without you love is harder than anything I’ve ever done and celebrating just feels wrong on every level. He accepted all my faults. He above all knew how my crazy mind works and he would expect that answer. He understands. I miss that a lot. I miss it all…

Nonetheless, 31 has treated me well thus far and I’m grateful for all those who are responsible for this. Thank you!!!

Now for the tasteless portion of the title. The Kick in the Dick…

This is a common Dave-ism. He had many. This one just so happens to be my favorite. Yeah, crude it might be. He wasn’t crude. Just honest. Much of his life occurrences were a “kick in the dick.”

He had his dream job. He loved what he did and the people he worked with. He got sick. The economy went bad. WAY bad. He went undiagnosed. He remained sick with some unknown illness for months. He got laid off permanently. He was crushed. He got diagnosed – cancer. He metastasized 3 months later. His illness was terminal. He fought the illness harder than most would have, and he still died. That is the perfect definition of a kick in the dick.

The above – a true story. Unfortunately, I can go all night with similar Dave stories. That too – a true story.

So tonight I decide to get organized. I have TONS of medical bills, hospital literature, get well cards, sympathy cards etc. that I just haven’t been able to deal with. Why I felt like today was the day? I don’t know. Anyway, I have a keepsake tote. Not out for just anyone to see, but not buried away too deep that I can’t easily get it out. Following the theme of today, I organized everything from the smallest to largest. This brings me to the end of the stack (the large end). I had my St. Elizabeth Hospice folder to add to the other folder just sitting in there anxiously awaiting its new neighbor. Curiosity got the best of me, and I had to have a little look-see at what that other folder was. I had just spent the last twenty minutes reliving all the lovely pamphlets enclosed in the hospice folder so it had to be better than that right!?! (Here comes the kick in the dick) This other folder had a label with David Dearinger 9/18/2004 on it. This was our Pre-Cana packet. This was the one day course we attended in order to be married in the Catholic Church. The very first thing (and the only thing I looked at) in the folder was a pamphlet on natural family planning (keep in mind I’m Catholic). I remember that day very well, but nothing is more vivid in my mind than that lecture. I mean come on – ridiculous! Anyway, the conversation that lecture stirred up between he and I is priceless. Here we were about to be married in less than a month. We suddenly found ourselves discussing our future, our family, what kind of parents we wanted to be and when… I just wanted to be a momma by 30. I wasn’t in a hurry. He didn’t want to be an “old dad” so he agreed that by the time I was 30 was ideal for him as well (he’d be 33). We talked about moving from our starter home he built (the home I still live in) into a larger neighborhood closer to his beloved Dixie Heights High School so his son or daughter could also be a “Colonel” like daddy. Ohhhhh reality. F*#k you reality! I close the folder and file all those dreams, all those memories behind his hospice folder. That my friends is THE KICK IN THE DICK!!!

That is what I get for trying to be organized. :/

Off to bed now, trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself.

Love ya,

Amy

Forever Rocking Faith…

9/2/2010

Hello folks! This entry comes with instructions…

** Update **

I disabled the Playlist below. Disregard #1 =)

1) Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page and STOP my playlist from playing (which I suspect most of you do anyhow and that is OK! I know my music is a bit all over the place – kinda like me). =)

2) Push the PLAY button on the video above, turn the volume WAY up and ENJOY.

3) Listen to the FULL song (yes it is long) and know that David loved this song. Yep – it’s the truth.

4) Read the entry below.

5) Listen to the above song again, and feel God and David’s love. They make one heck of a combo!

Below is a beautiful piece written by my amazing little sister (she is 22 years old). David became her beloved big brother from the moment her beautiful big green eyes met his – she was 9.5 then and he was 21. It needs no further introductory - it speaks for itself.

Forever Rocking Faith
by Lauren Elizabeth Finan on Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 9:37pm

Many of us have lost a loved one, friend or someone that had some sort of impact on our life prematurely. Naturally, for us that are Christians, turn to our faith in times of turmoil and pain angrily asking God WHY them? Many of you know that 5 months ago I lost a mentor, friend and brother figure due to cancer so as mentioned earlier I asked, no I demanded, God for a reason for why He could do that to such a humble, selfless and loving man. Well I never got an answer, ever...until tonight.

At church a story was told where it was evident that God heals the spiritually weak. David was physically ill but spiritually GOD healed him. Spiritually David had a faith that kept pressing on. He was ready to hang with Jesus even after all the pain and suffering he went through here on Earth. Pain and suffering I have never experienced and pray I never do, yet I still complain about my life that is full of blessings and beauty. Although the enemy struck David with cancer to keep him from rocking peoples' lives with the love of Jesus the enemy forgot one thing, God had a plan. David may be in heaven hanging out with Jesus but he is still rocking lives and showing people the Love of Christ here on Earth. David's child-like faith may not have been built on years of studying the Bible or years of being submersed in church but he had the key idea, Jesus loved him and he loved Jesus. Why do we forget that? Because we demand answers from God right now on our time, Gods time isn't our time. Therefore, we need to step back and enjoy the little things.

No, I will never be okay with losing a loved one and a void will be in my heart always. After tonight I refuse to have any hate in my heart because of David's death. My heart will be full of love thanks to David's life; after all David wanting nothing more than to live, therefore, it's up to us to live out what David stood for here on Earth so keep living, loving and enjoying every moment in life because we are not promised tomorrow.

Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

God celebrated the day he got to heal and welcome David into heaven.

~ Lauren E. Finan ~

I know right! WOW.

They both are/were pretty amazing people.

For those of you who know Lauren personally, I invite you to ask her about her tattoo. No, not if it hurt, how much it cost, who did it. Ask her what it means to her. I absolutely LOVE when people share “David stories” with me. This one is the best, and my vocabulary couldn’t do it justice. It is Lauren’s story to tell anyhow, but it is an amazing one.

Love to all,

Amy