I will admit fully that MOST times I’m too wrapped up in my own grief to consider how others are hurting because of David’s death. I find myself apologizing for that a lot. I’m sorry I cannot be a better daughter, granddaughter, sister, "mom" and friend right now. I am trying. I am. I have spent the last three years living from the perspective of someone else’s shoes (David’s) and now that I’ve jumped back into my own, I’m having trouble jumping out.
That is until yesterday. Yesterday and today my two favorite furry friends - my “Kids” are heavy on my heart. I remember the day that Dave died; Vinnie was barking and being his usual obnoxious self. My mom (always the disciplinarian) yelled at Vinnie to be quiet. I recall yelling back “don’t yell at him. His Daddy just died today.” That was it. The real loss set in and I forgot all about what Vin and Lib were dealing with. Do they feel abandoned? Do they know Daddy is gone, but he is better now? Do they know how much he loved them? That Saturday he left their home for the last time and he didn’t even tell them goodbye. In just 3 days I am leaving them too. Just for a week, but what will they think? Are they fragile like me? Do they feel the abandonment like I do, and will my vacation add to their pain? Lord I pray not. I love my “Kids”. I come home for my kids. Every day I pull into the driveway and my heart sinks again. My empty house. Then, I walk in and there they are. Full of love, and so happy to see me. I’m not alone. I just hope they know how much I need and appreciate their loyalty. They have a very broken mommy right now. A selfish one. A damaged one. You know what – they still love me. All of me. Even when I refuse to feel their pain because I am so wrapped up in my own.
That is until yesterday. Yesterday and today my two favorite furry friends - my “Kids” are heavy on my heart. I remember the day that Dave died; Vinnie was barking and being his usual obnoxious self. My mom (always the disciplinarian) yelled at Vinnie to be quiet. I recall yelling back “don’t yell at him. His Daddy just died today.” That was it. The real loss set in and I forgot all about what Vin and Lib were dealing with. Do they feel abandoned? Do they know Daddy is gone, but he is better now? Do they know how much he loved them? That Saturday he left their home for the last time and he didn’t even tell them goodbye. In just 3 days I am leaving them too. Just for a week, but what will they think? Are they fragile like me? Do they feel the abandonment like I do, and will my vacation add to their pain? Lord I pray not. I love my “Kids”. I come home for my kids. Every day I pull into the driveway and my heart sinks again. My empty house. Then, I walk in and there they are. Full of love, and so happy to see me. I’m not alone. I just hope they know how much I need and appreciate their loyalty. They have a very broken mommy right now. A selfish one. A damaged one. You know what – they still love me. All of me. Even when I refuse to feel their pain because I am so wrapped up in my own.
Have a great week friends.
With love,
Amy
You are ANYTHING but selfish. Don't ever forget that!
ReplyDeleteI love coming home to my cats! I love that they get up in bed with me and make it feel less empty. I, too, wonder if they notice the loss. I know my one cat slept in the dining room (where Isaac's hospital bed was) and never left that area except for food/bathroom, and the 2 days before Isaac died, the cat slept under the bed. It's nice to have the furry company, and they don't care how much we cry, do they?!?
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