F-R-I-E-N-D-S, friends...

What’s up world???

First and foremost… THANKS for the amazing response to the (Acceptance…) post from a few weeks ago. I know I should not care what people think. And for just about everything pertaining to my life I honestly don’t. I’m very real, very raw and either you like me or you don’t (but I’d rather you like me =D). I do however care about what people think when it comes to how/when I begin moving on with my life. And I guess I shouldn’t. I just do. But I’m working on that. Thanks to the constant support from my buddy “S” I’m working on letting those fears go.

So what have I been up to??? F-R-I-E-N-D-S, friends. Have I mentioned I love my friends? I’m so blessed with amazing friends. I have young friends, old friends, married friends, single friends, divorced friends, preggo friends, friends who are parents, family who are friends, and even widowed friends. This group makes for the perfect support group. Key word being support. I am SO supported.

This moving on thing is scary. Not cancer scary, but scary nonetheless. That support system is there for me today just as it was when cancer was my biggest fear. My friends never falter. NEVER. And to top it off, those friends know just what to say to me now to show their support. They don’t have to hold back from what they are thinking because they are afraid of my reaction. We are no longer talking about life and death. We are talking about if I am bringing anyone home for Thanksgiving. And by the way, that answer is NO. =) I enjoy getting dressed up and wearing enough makeup to make me look at least 25 but this suddenly single at 30 is tough business. Not to mention I wanna be a momma as bad as I want to take my next breath. Therefore, my biological clock has me into overdrive while my head and my heart are screaming SLOW DOWN. Internal struggles are the worst. But then I have my friends to lean on and it all works out. THANK GOD!

Oh – and to all you friends out there… If you see me begin to drink grape vodka anytime in the near future – remind me that I found myself on a cold bathroom floor at “J & M’s” house with a sore chin for an unknown reason Sunday. Needless to say, it wasn’t a good idea. =) But for some reason, I felt (the club couldn’t even handle me right then). Apparently neither could my alcohol tolerance. Lord have mercy. Grape vodka is ALSO manufactured in hell just beside the Jose Cuervo plant.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving all. Go give thanks and enjoy gorging yourself. So much for losing 11 pounds of my widow weight…

Love ya’s,

-A-

Linkin Park - "Waiting For The End" with lyrics

When there are no words, there is always music...

Acceptance…

How do you deal with the hardships in your life?

Do you think about how difficult your life is? Do you obsess about it? Make yourself crazy going over and over in your head of how you could have prevented such an occurrence? Or do you refuse to deal with it. Ignore it and take an “I don’t care” attitude? Do you become someone you aren’t and do and say things you don’t mean?

Meet the Amy of the last 7 months. I am guilty of all the above. You know, there are books and blogs and movies and therapists out there who can help guide you through life’s tough times. I’m not talking about a broken down car or an empty savings account. I am talking about life’s true challenges.

David’s death was the truest of true challenges for me. And yes, I’ve read books and blogs and watched movies and seen a therapist in order to help cope with such a loss. And yes, for the most part they helped. But it wasn’t until recently the act of coping became natural. Life is beginning to flow. There are speed bumps I hurtle throughout the day but just speed bumps rather than the mountains of the months prior. No, life will never be the same but the fact of it is I must live. I must be honest with myself, my feelings and my needs. I must ACCEPT. I had a great life, a great love, a great husband. But he is gone and yet I live. We are separated by death but we are bonded for life by a love that will never die. This is my cherished treasure I get to carry with me always. And because of this I am lucky. I accept the past and recognize that I HAVE A FUTURE.

So what do I do with that future?

I ACCEPT my past and get busy living. Dave wanted to live so badly. Not exist. He wanted to live. For the last 7 months I merely existed. Shame on me. He wouldn’t want that. He’d want me to live. And with living he’d want me to love. Love myself, my family, my dogs, my friends and my job. He’d want me to be myself. That woman he loved more than life, more than anyone, more than anything in this world. Loving is what I do best. I was blessed with a HUGE heart. Someone reminded me of that recently during a “get honest” heart to heart moment. He said that David knew as he was dying that I would go on loving him for the rest of my life just as much as I loved him the day he died. He also knew that I had plenty of room in my heart for a second love. Not a replacement but someone to love who would love me back. Who would enjoy me and respect me and honor me just as David did. A man willing to share my heart with another recognizing and respecting there is plenty of room for both. David wanted that for me because he knew this would be the only way I’d truly be happy. He loved me that much.

Accepting that truth has been nearly as difficult as accepting that David is gone. But getting honest with me is part of moving on. A part of LIVING.

Dear Amy,

You suck at being single. You’ve got too much love in that heart and you are selling yourself short trying to exist as if your memories will suffice you for the rest of your life. Don’t shut down. Be YOU. The YOU David loved unconditionally and wants you to be. It’s OK. You deserve to be happy again.

Love,

Yourself…

So there you have it folks. I’m not living in bars in stiletto heels and a pushup bra nor am I joining a singles site. I am just LIVING with my eyes and my heart wide open.

Thank you David for the peace and the self acceptance. You are and will always remain my first and forever love. Thank you for giving me the strength to admit to the world and to myself that I am not dead yet and there is no need to act as if I am.

So let the judging begin… =/

Have a great weekend all.

Amy