9/6/2010
Hello all! I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend.
First, thanks to all those who reached out to me on Friday. The beauty of being an adult is that you can make as much or as little out of a birthday as you like. This birthday was just a technicality for me. I sure didn’t feel like celebrating another year of my life knowing how hard David fought for just another year of his own only to have it be taken away so prematurely by a relentless cancer – sarcoma. Maybe next year – maybe not. If David could speak to me from Heaven he would remind me of how precious life is and that it is to be celebrated. My answer to him would be simple. Living without you love is harder than anything I’ve ever done and celebrating just feels wrong on every level. He accepted all my faults. He above all knew how my crazy mind works and he would expect that answer. He understands. I miss that a lot. I miss it all…
Nonetheless, 31 has treated me well thus far and I’m grateful for all those who are responsible for this. Thank you!!!
Now for the tasteless portion of the title. The Kick in the Dick…
This is a common Dave-ism. He had many. This one just so happens to be my favorite. Yeah, crude it might be. He wasn’t crude. Just honest. Much of his life occurrences were a “kick in the dick.”
He had his dream job. He loved what he did and the people he worked with. He got sick. The economy went bad. WAY bad. He went undiagnosed. He remained sick with some unknown illness for months. He got laid off permanently. He was crushed. He got diagnosed – cancer. He metastasized 3 months later. His illness was terminal. He fought the illness harder than most would have, and he still died. That is the perfect definition of a kick in the dick.
The above – a true story. Unfortunately, I can go all night with similar Dave stories. That too – a true story.
So tonight I decide to get organized. I have TONS of medical bills, hospital literature, get well cards, sympathy cards etc. that I just haven’t been able to deal with. Why I felt like today was the day? I don’t know. Anyway, I have a keepsake tote. Not out for just anyone to see, but not buried away too deep that I can’t easily get it out. Following the theme of today, I organized everything from the smallest to largest. This brings me to the end of the stack (the large end). I had my St. Elizabeth Hospice folder to add to the other folder just sitting in there anxiously awaiting its new neighbor. Curiosity got the best of me, and I had to have a little look-see at what that other folder was. I had just spent the last twenty minutes reliving all the lovely pamphlets enclosed in the hospice folder so it had to be better than that right!?! (Here comes the kick in the dick) This other folder had a label with David Dearinger 9/18/2004 on it. This was our Pre-Cana packet. This was the one day course we attended in order to be married in the Catholic Church. The very first thing (and the only thing I looked at) in the folder was a pamphlet on natural family planning (keep in mind I’m Catholic). I remember that day very well, but nothing is more vivid in my mind than that lecture. I mean come on – ridiculous! Anyway, the conversation that lecture stirred up between he and I is priceless. Here we were about to be married in less than a month. We suddenly found ourselves discussing our future, our family, what kind of parents we wanted to be and when… I just wanted to be a momma by 30. I wasn’t in a hurry. He didn’t want to be an “old dad” so he agreed that by the time I was 30 was ideal for him as well (he’d be 33). We talked about moving from our starter home he built (the home I still live in) into a larger neighborhood closer to his beloved Dixie Heights High School so his son or daughter could also be a “Colonel” like daddy. Ohhhhh reality. F*#k you reality! I close the folder and file all those dreams, all those memories behind his hospice folder. That my friends is THE KICK IN THE DICK!!!
That is what I get for trying to be organized. :/
Off to bed now, trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself.
Love ya,
Amy
Monday, September 6, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Hello folks! This entry comes with instructions…
** Update **
I disabled the Playlist below. Disregard #1 =)
1) Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page and STOP my playlist from playing (which I suspect most of you do anyhow and that is OK! I know my music is a bit all over the place – kinda like me). =)
2) Push the PLAY button on the video above, turn the volume WAY up and ENJOY.
3) Listen to the FULL song (yes it is long) and know that David loved this song. Yep – it’s the truth.
4) Read the entry below.
5) Listen to the above song again, and feel God and David’s love. They make one heck of a combo!
Below is a beautiful piece written by my amazing little sister (she is 22 years old). David became her beloved big brother from the moment her beautiful big green eyes met his – she was 9.5 then and he was 21. It needs no further introductory - it speaks for itself.
Forever Rocking Faith
by Lauren Elizabeth Finan on Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 9:37pm
Many of us have lost a loved one, friend or someone that had some sort of impact on our life prematurely. Naturally, for us that are Christians, turn to our faith in times of turmoil and pain angrily asking God WHY them? Many of you know that 5 months ago I lost a mentor, friend and brother figure due to cancer so as mentioned earlier I asked, no I demanded, God for a reason for why He could do that to such a humble, selfless and loving man. Well I never got an answer, ever...until tonight.
At church a story was told where it was evident that God heals the spiritually weak. David was physically ill but spiritually GOD healed him. Spiritually David had a faith that kept pressing on. He was ready to hang with Jesus even after all the pain and suffering he went through here on Earth. Pain and suffering I have never experienced and pray I never do, yet I still complain about my life that is full of blessings and beauty. Although the enemy struck David with cancer to keep him from rocking peoples' lives with the love of Jesus the enemy forgot one thing, God had a plan. David may be in heaven hanging out with Jesus but he is still rocking lives and showing people the Love of Christ here on Earth. David's child-like faith may not have been built on years of studying the Bible or years of being submersed in church but he had the key idea, Jesus loved him and he loved Jesus. Why do we forget that? Because we demand answers from God right now on our time, Gods time isn't our time. Therefore, we need to step back and enjoy the little things.
No, I will never be okay with losing a loved one and a void will be in my heart always. After tonight I refuse to have any hate in my heart because of David's death. My heart will be full of love thanks to David's life; after all David wanting nothing more than to live, therefore, it's up to us to live out what David stood for here on Earth so keep living, loving and enjoying every moment in life because we are not promised tomorrow.
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
God celebrated the day he got to heal and welcome David into heaven.
~ Lauren E. Finan ~
I know right! WOW.
They both are/were pretty amazing people.
For those of you who know Lauren personally, I invite you to ask her about her tattoo. No, not if it hurt, how much it cost, who did it. Ask her what it means to her. I absolutely LOVE when people share “David stories” with me. This one is the best, and my vocabulary couldn’t do it justice. It is Lauren’s story to tell anyhow, but it is an amazing one.
** Update **
I disabled the Playlist below. Disregard #1 =)
1) Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page and STOP my playlist from playing (which I suspect most of you do anyhow and that is OK! I know my music is a bit all over the place – kinda like me). =)
2) Push the PLAY button on the video above, turn the volume WAY up and ENJOY.
3) Listen to the FULL song (yes it is long) and know that David loved this song. Yep – it’s the truth.
4) Read the entry below.
5) Listen to the above song again, and feel God and David’s love. They make one heck of a combo!
Below is a beautiful piece written by my amazing little sister (she is 22 years old). David became her beloved big brother from the moment her beautiful big green eyes met his – she was 9.5 then and he was 21. It needs no further introductory - it speaks for itself.
Forever Rocking Faith
by Lauren Elizabeth Finan on Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 9:37pm
Many of us have lost a loved one, friend or someone that had some sort of impact on our life prematurely. Naturally, for us that are Christians, turn to our faith in times of turmoil and pain angrily asking God WHY them? Many of you know that 5 months ago I lost a mentor, friend and brother figure due to cancer so as mentioned earlier I asked, no I demanded, God for a reason for why He could do that to such a humble, selfless and loving man. Well I never got an answer, ever...until tonight.
At church a story was told where it was evident that God heals the spiritually weak. David was physically ill but spiritually GOD healed him. Spiritually David had a faith that kept pressing on. He was ready to hang with Jesus even after all the pain and suffering he went through here on Earth. Pain and suffering I have never experienced and pray I never do, yet I still complain about my life that is full of blessings and beauty. Although the enemy struck David with cancer to keep him from rocking peoples' lives with the love of Jesus the enemy forgot one thing, God had a plan. David may be in heaven hanging out with Jesus but he is still rocking lives and showing people the Love of Christ here on Earth. David's child-like faith may not have been built on years of studying the Bible or years of being submersed in church but he had the key idea, Jesus loved him and he loved Jesus. Why do we forget that? Because we demand answers from God right now on our time, Gods time isn't our time. Therefore, we need to step back and enjoy the little things.
No, I will never be okay with losing a loved one and a void will be in my heart always. After tonight I refuse to have any hate in my heart because of David's death. My heart will be full of love thanks to David's life; after all David wanting nothing more than to live, therefore, it's up to us to live out what David stood for here on Earth so keep living, loving and enjoying every moment in life because we are not promised tomorrow.
Psalm 116:15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
God celebrated the day he got to heal and welcome David into heaven.
~ Lauren E. Finan ~
I know right! WOW.
They both are/were pretty amazing people.
For those of you who know Lauren personally, I invite you to ask her about her tattoo. No, not if it hurt, how much it cost, who did it. Ask her what it means to her. I absolutely LOVE when people share “David stories” with me. This one is the best, and my vocabulary couldn’t do it justice. It is Lauren’s story to tell anyhow, but it is an amazing one.
Love to all,
Amy
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