#2 Mold

Okay – so yesterday I promised I’d come off my nearly 2 year blog hiatus. 

Why in the hell didn’t I write it yesterday then when I was all “inspired” and shit?!?

Here is the lowdown.

Rewind back a couple weeks ago. I read this story of a young girl who wrote a story to her future self.  Unfortunately that future young lady wasn’t in the cards.  She wouldn’t live to adulthood leaving her parents to read and share her touching letter. 

Somehow reading that story got my wheels turning thinking what my childhood letter to myself would have been like reading it now in adulthood.  And in my twisted mind I then composed a letter to my childhood preparing myself for what I was about to endure in my late 20s to early 30s.  It was WAY longer than what is below but this is a great summary. 

Dear Adolescent Amy,

You are about to become one lucky ass young women.  When you are 18 you are going to meet and fall in love almost instantaneously with this 6’3” handsome and yet insecure, wholehearted loving, freckled covered ox of a man.  He represents every possible meaning of the word strong, both physical and mental and sadly that quality you adore is going to come into very good use.  You see he’s gonna get sick and despite both of your unearthly efforts he will be defeated by this horrific ailment called sarcoma.  He wins SO many battles with sarcoma but in the end – 3.5 years later he loses the war. Cancer wins leaving you for the 1^st time in your entire life alone.  You’ve been blessed with the best family and friends but you are going to feel alone.  Don’t worry.  You are good at it.  You embrace memories and life and you carry on.  But with time that loneliness you embraced for so long gets old and you want more.  You are ready for more.  And now it’s up to you to figure out.

Sincerely,

You 

Fast forward to today (well yesterday).  That figuring it out… I SUCK at it.  I’ll be honest.  Just ask the handful of guys I’ve dated.  I am a HORRIBLE girlfriend.  I am one of the best wife’s I know.  I just SUCK at being a girlfriend.  I have this mold in my head.  My #2 looks, acts, thinks and talks “THIS” way.  Break that mold and I’m seacrest OUT.  And not in a let him down easy, polite way.  I just remove myself from the situation.  Stop calling, texting – just gone like that awesome, catchy Montgomery Gentry song, GONE. (this one)

And I hate that about the “post Dave” me.  I am inpatient and I DON’T waste valuable time – mine, yours his, nobody’s but GONE with no explanation – that’s not me.  Not the me I strive to be anyway.  So what the fuck, Amy?!?

Then yesterday – I see this:

 Bingo! 

One of my all-time favorites.  Gone with the Wind.

Here most of Scarlett’s life she pines after the ballless (yeah I said it) Ashley Wilkes when all that time the remarkably gorgeous Rhett Butler from West BY God Virgina was madly in love with her!  Rhett was ready and able to fulfil every one of Miss Scarlett’s needs and she never noticed it.  Well – not until it was too late.  How sad is that.  You see where I am going with this????

That mold I mentioned…  Maybe I need to reconsider that????   

#TeamRhett #ILoveHashtags

So there you have it.  Fresh off my 2+ year hiatus. 

I’ve blogged. And I am in no better place than I was 2+ years ago but by God, I’ve got hope.

Peace Y’all.  I’ll catch you after my next inspiration. 

-Amy-

 

A Once in a Lifetime Love…

Hello beloved followers…

I’m back.

So if you’re still reading this, thanks for hangin’ in with me.

I’m good. I really am. No bull-shit here. I.AM.GOOD.

I cried my eyes out tonight. And that’s rare.

I went to see The Vow tonight. And it could have been the stout Watermelon Martini I had beforehand (that was $10 BTW) but more likely the movie.

My smart friends have probably read the book. I have not. I like the idea of reading the book. I just hate the actual READING part. The movie (although perfect) left me wanting to know more about the story. I want to know everything about Paige and Leo.

This post isn’t about The Vow or Paige and Leo (the characters). But it is a great TRUE story. If you appreciate honest to goodness true, selfless, give your all, lie down and die for you love, you will love the movie.

This posting is about honest to goodness true, selfless, give your all, lie down and die for you love…

I once had that. I am blessed. And I will never under appreciate that. EVER.

In Paige and Leo’s wedding vows Paige calls their love for one another a “Once in a Lifetime Love”.

That idea of “Once in a Lifetime Love” made me sad - like cry my eyes out sad.
Not like cry my eyes out until I’m sick and can’t get out of bed sad. More like fuck, I’m 33 (almost) and I’ve burned up my once in a lifetime love already!

I have no regrets. NONE! I still love Dave. And I always will. I am so proud of our rockstar love. It is my proudest achievement.

But have I used up my one shot at uber happiness? You see -- I am healed. I am SO ready to give this healed heart of mine away again. But damn, it will have to feel as good as the first time. And if that “one time” is gone, all this hope I have built up is useless…. And that made me sad.

The movie progressed.

Leo looks at a friend of his while describing his current situation with wife Page, and he said the most amazing thing. (I’m telling you, see the movie)

He says, “The weeks leading up to Paige falling in love with me was the best time of my life, and I get to do it again.”

Ahhh…. BINGO!

Nope, I can’t love Dave back to life, but I can be hopeful that I get my second chance at that “Once in a Lifetime Love”. And maybe - just maybe I can be even better at it. Experience counts for a lot… I think. =)

Love Y’all!

Until next time…

-Amy-

Inseparable Love: It’s not goodbye but see you, soon.

Yes, I'm on a blogging break - so to speak. In the meantime, here is something very worthwhile reading.

By Lauren Finan -- my beloved sister. Grab a tissue, click on the link and enjoy...

Inseparable Love: It’s not goodbye but see you, soon.

I'll be "back" soon!

Much love,

Amy D.

The 411...

Hey Y’all!

Hoping all is well in your neck of the woods!!!

I am doing phenomenal or maybe I should say FUNnomenal?!?

I guess somewhere along the way during the last 4 years I had forgotten what life felt like when the good outweighed the bad. I must say – It has been an excellent breath of fresh air getting back to that place. *taking a deep breath….. AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh.

No amount of fun will ever make up for the horror my (and David’s) life became four years ago. With that said, David and I never let his cancer define us. It never – not once sucked the fun completely out of life. We just didn’t allow it. I’ve reached a point in my life - through my healing I suppose - that I no longer have to “fight for fun.” It just comes naturally. Effortlessly.

It wasn’t that long ago that when I caught myself having fun I felt guilty. No more of that either. The hell with it! Life is too f*cking short. Have fun and make the best of what you got. And that I proudly do. It is like my “life coach” in heaven is repeatedly shouting that in my ear (minus the F word of course).

So weather it is going NASCAR racing with my dad, dancing foolishly with co-workers on dining room tables, or a simple fire-pit with great tunes in the backyard --- I’m having fun. And it’s nice. Very nice.

The trick is --- finding someone to share my fun with me. But concentrating on that is tiring and I’ve decided to just let nature take its course. I surely don’t want to force someone on myself. That isn’t fair to anyone. They say patience is a virtue. So --- I’m gonna TRY and give it a shot (key word, TRY)!

Side note for my single shela friends on the prowl: If a guy you totally are uninterested in getting to know approaches you, remember this phrase. They will run faster than the hot fudge on a scoop of ice cream. (With the most serious face you can come up with – say) “So, tell me, do you have swimmers because I’m looking to breed.” Honest to goodness, it works every time. Used it on some ass clown last weekend. The very same ass clown that I witnessed taking off his wedding ring just before his “big approach.” Now that is classic!

Anyway, in closing --- The movie 50/50 --- GO SEE IT! I pray you never can relate to it the way I can. Just as much as I pray I never relate to it the way David could. Bottom line --- it is a must see. I went alone to the 8:15 showing Sunday night because I was hoping to sit without any close by “neighbors”. I got my wish. And for that I am eternally grateful. Good stuff!

Leaving you with a good tune --- (here) --- cause It’s fun and that’s how I like to roll these days… ;) Now where is the closest dining room table? Next time I’m charging admission to the Amy show. LOL

Good night Y’all.

Much love,

-AD-

The Randoms...

I recently gave up Facebook and switched to Twitter full-time. I had enough of the silly game requests and pesky virus’s lurking about. I have kept my FB account active and my Twitter updates post there as well. I just don’t frequent it much if at all. But the other night I was procrastinating from laundry duties (imagine that) and I found myself checking out my own FB profile. I found a “Note” from 2009 that I found interesting.

See below:

January 29, 2009

1) I am married to an AMAZING man who has fought off Sarcoma (very rare & aggressive cancer) 5 times in less than 2 years, and continues to defy all odds daily.

2) In saying #1, I obviously believe in miracles!!! God is better than good, He’s remarkable.

3) I want to become an oncology nurse almost as much as I want to cure cancer itself.

4) My family is the most amazing bunch of, loving, caring, and supportive people I could ever ask for and I’m extremely blessed to have them!

5) I could not picture a day without my wonderful dogs, Vinnie & Libby.

6) I have spent most of my working career in an industry I have come to despise. HELP

7) I have a very old car and I could not be more OK with that. It is cheap and reliable.

8) I will never be wealthy because of my generosity. This is why David is bothered with charity phone calls all day while I’m working. Poor guy, we are poor and pestered constantly. :)

9) My most prized possession is my home because of how hard David worked to see that we have it. Did I mention he is amazing!?!

10) I wish I had more gumption to make that “prized possession” look more like a trophy house. I hate to clean!!!

11) I have a very low tolerance for petty issues. Useless drama makes me insane because unfortunately I know real drama.

12) In saying #11 I feel like I can’t be as good as a friend/family member as I once was able to be and I HATE that about myself.

13) I admit I have severe paranoia. David reminds me ALL the time.

14) I am the most sentimental person I know.

15) I can’t believe how much I have come to love NASCAR and dirt track racing.

16) I eat candy and drink Mountain Dew like it was my job – not healthy habits!!!

17) I love to cook. Breakfast and Mexican are my specialties.

18) I am a blog nut. I feel like a stalker because I follow so many people’s lives via their personal blogs that I have never met. Blogging myself has become my own personal therapy session.

19) I would like to someday write a book about embracing life and all its blessings during the darkest of times. I find the most peace within myself by staying in this mind frame.

20) I LOVE to vacation. A vacation is not a true vacation without a beach or racetrack.

21) NetFlix is WONDERFUL!

22) My feet hurt all the time, but I hear yoga toes will be the answer to my issue. We will soon see. :)

23) I LOVE to have my head rubbed. I would have my hair professionally shampooed daily if I could afford it.

24) I love candles and fresh cut flowers.

25) I LOVE to give gifts, but would personally prefer a thoughtfully picked out card than a fancy present any day.

Wow how times change!

So here is my 2011 version of 25 Randoms about Amy

1) Top 5’s --- I love my family, my dogs, my friends, music and NASCAR in that order.

2) I think the cleverest song ever written is Long Black Veil written by Danny Dill and Marijohn Wilkin, and performed best by The Dave Matthews Band (See Here). Sorry Johnny Cash. I am a HUGE fan but DMB just does it better.

3) This one is for the fellas. ;) I think (for me anyway) the best “panty dropping” song is I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes by Dierks Bentley (See Here). I don’t know what it is about that song but… Woah… Maybe it is just Dierks cause I need to feel THAT fire. ;) Just kidding --- sorta.

4) While I’m on it… The song I get the most pleasure listening to right now (it will change tomorrow) is Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 (See Here). And it goes like this……

5) I have seen some beautiful places in my 32 years of travels but The Cumberland Gap tops that list. (See Here) I won tickets to Bristol Motor Speedway in Bristol, TN last month. It was on the drive down I discovered this hidden treasure in Kentucky, or was it Tennessee or wait – maybe that was Virginia. I was in all three states within 5 miles. Absolutely gorgeous.

6) Dating certainly isn’t as hard as keeping a dying man alive, but it sure as hell isn’t easy either.

7) I am still the most sentimental person I know, but the sentiment of the Big Blue Money Pit (Dave’s Dodge Ram truck) is wearing off. Not that I can afford a car payment (cause I physically cannot work 3 jobs) but I just don’t want the damn thing anymore. The day I sign that hunk of metal over to its new owner will be a tough one, but that day is coming. I hope anyway.

8) Doe urine STINKS – BAD! I am not sure why I still have such a thing in my garage but I can tell you that when it spills it is gross! Neighbors – don’t be surprised if you see a 12 point buck hanging out in my driveway. I accidently lured him in. ;)

9) Speaking of hunting… I’ve been thinking of all the fall’s I used the term hunting widow. Yep --- spent many cold mornings alone in bed and then brisk afternoons helping rinse deer guts out of the bed of the money pit. That was typically followed by a nice evening “nap” cause my man knew how to smooth things over with his hunting widow. =D Anyway, there is a song about this out now and I LOVE it. Check it out (See Here) LOVE the Pistol Annies!

10) I’ll also own the fact that I STILL find myself watching the hunting shows on The Outdoor Channel. I swear some of those guys should really do porn because the way they get off on shooting that defenseless white tail --- I can only imagine --- well you get the picture. ;)

11) Jeff Ruby makes the BEST coffee ever. Seriously. You MUST try it. It is packaged by Millstone. (Here) Its phenomenal. I get mine at the Mall Road Kroger in Florence. It’s hard to find.

12) I have epilepsy. I have had it for over 20 years now. Not many people know that. So – there it is. Welcome to “the know”.

13) Speaking of Epilepsy… I was on Depakote for 20 years treating it. Depakote is the devil. Especially on my poor teeth. In May I went to see the same Neurologist who treated Dave after he had his stroke just before he died. He is an awesome doctor. Anyway, he switched me to a new medicine and it is awesome (not to mention it works). My hair is growing like crazy! I went to the dentist on Monday and my teeth are in much better condition and they are even getting pretty and white again. THANK GOD. The coolest news is that this new med is perfectly safe for pregnancy which wasn’t the case with Depakote. I AM NOT PREGGO. It is just good to know I now can be without concern. That is if I can find a man with swimmers. =)

14) That brings me to my next point. Men – unless you are 110% sure you are A- either done having kids or B- in a relationship you know will last forever. Think twice about jumping into the big V. You’d be surprised how many single 30 something’s have been clipped. ;) I swear in my next life I am going to be a urologist. That is a big business.

15) Did you know that I can change the oil in a car, a furnace filter AND drive a track-hoe. All facts!

I swear that is me

16) With that said, I believe with 110% certainly I was meant to be a boy.

17) I think it should be illegal to have the NASCAR Nationwide Series race on Saturdays at the same time my Buckeyes are playing. Now that becomes a dilemma. So far so good.

18) I am obsessed with True Religion jeans even though I cannot afford them.

19) I think the very best smelling candle is the Saltkin & Co. Fireside candle you can find during the holidays at Bath & Body Works. I burn one all year long and stock up on them at the After Christmas Sale.

20) The Vera Wang shoes at Kohl’s are adorable and my absolute favorites. Sorry Steve Madden you are now #2 buddy!

21) I really really miss cooking. There are a few things in life I am pretty damn good at and it is a shame I don’t get to enjoy them more often.

22) I am letting my hair grow. No kidding. Hell --- I have a healthy head of hair again. I may as well enjoy it!

23) I miss summer already. I love the cooler weather and all the great sports on TV but I really really hate seeing summer go this year. I need to see a beach just one more time before the snow and ice hits….

24) I went to buy a shredder at Wal-Mart the other day. Did you know they are expensive and provide zero as is NONE enjoyment out of life. I opted for a fire pit instead --- otherwise known as “the bill burner”. Yep --- that was an excellent decision. I know --- I am a genius.

25) Last but certainly not least – Sunday Dave and I would have been married lucky 7 years. Dave was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I suspect he’ll always hold that award. So here is a song to honor that love, God Gave Me You (See Here). On my own I’m only half of what I could be. Now that is a true statement! So I still pray every day this half will become whole again.

Happy 7th ^^Love^^.

If you have hung in this long – wow. I hope you at least enjoyed yourself.

Love y’all

Amy

32 and ready for new...

In 1979 I took “Labor Day” literally and the next thing Deb & Timbo knew their twosome became a threesome. There I was… 8:48 AM on Monday September 3rd, 1979 – Labor Day.

To say I’ve been through a lot in my 32 years is a bit of an understatement. But I have no regrets. Especially throughout the years of 1998 – 2010. Those were the best even considering the tremendous loss of David. In the words of the very gorgeous widower, Mr. Gary Allan – “It’s better to have loved and lost than not at all.” And he’s right.

Although my memories are WONDERFUL – I choose not to live in the past. Today (well tomorrow technically) I’m 32 and ready for new. I know David wants that for me. I spent 12 years trying to please him and I am not about to stop now.

I am healed. I used to refer to myself as broken goods. Now – I’m refurbished. Good as new. Maybe even better than new as now I see the word in a different light. My appreciation for life in general is so much greater and I take so little for granite. And that is something I am proud of.

Even Libby (my female Black and Tan/Beagle mix) is better. Libby was her Daddy’s dog. His Lady Bird. She could give two $hits about her Momma. Her world revolved around Daddy David. And from the moment her daddy was assisted out of the house for the last time her world was never the same. And just the other night as I got home from my 13 hour work day she did this… (Please forgive the horrible one eyed self portrait. I had worked all day).



I received a little Libby lovin’ and that NEVER happens to me. Her Daddy on the other hand got ALL KINDS of Libby lovin’. Me –not so much. Until now… Maybe just maybe Libby is healing too?

In a nutshell --- someone briefly woke up the old Amy, and getting a taste of the “old me” was all it took. I feel alive again and it is a wonderful feeling. And for this, I’ve got a really cool person to thank. For that – for him – I’m eternally grateful.

And to follow that up --- for all the curious types out there. No – I am NOT dating anyone and I will NOT be sharing that “taste of Amy” story. I have made so much of my life an open book and some things I’d like to keep private. Just a few. ;)

So I’m off to celebrate my Birthday weekend. I actually get a THREE day weekend.
What do I want for my birthday????

Let’s see…

A tall handsome unattached man with “swimmers” ;) and a win from my favorite driver #2, Elliott Sadler. That’s not a lot really – right!?! =D

Happy Labor Day folks!

Love,

Amy

Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock (please excuse that – it’s just the sound of my biological clock.) ;)

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory...

Hey Y'all,

Hope things are good with you.

Between my non-stop work schedule and my insomnia I'm kicking my own ass these days.

I haven't had much time to compile many thoughts into anything that would even resemble an entry worthy of posting.

I am still working on a follow-up to the golf outing. I took at little racing vacation (as noted here) and then Josh took a much deserved trip to Florida. So as soon as he and I nail down all the final numbers, I'll be sure and get the details posted. Stay tuned for that!

I cannot help but to think about what I would be doing this weekend for what would have/should have been David's 35th birthday. I remember his 30th like it was yesterday. I was SO excited for him. I always looked for any and all reasons to make him feel special. And I am so thrilled I had the opportunity to do just that so many times. I now fully accept that it wasn't in the cards for him to live out a nice long and happy life with me until we were "blue hairs" and drift off into the sunset together. I still don't have to like it, but accepting it has helped carrying on without him much easier. Healing is a wonderful feeling. Would I change things??? Hell yes, in a heartbeat. But changing his death isn't an option. Living a life he wanted for me is, and this is just what I am doing.

But today - this weekend - I honor him.

Just the way I like to remember him best. HEALTHY…

Happy 35th love.

David Dearinger

8/20/1976 ~ 3/12/2010

Have a great weekend all.

Enjoy a Bud Light or 12 for ^^him^^. He’d like that…

Amy

A weekend for the memory books…

Hey Y’all.

I hope you all are doing well.

Sorry for the break in blogging. I’ve just been too busy to sit down and compose anything worth reading. As a matter of fact… I’m still struggling to come up with the words to do the past month justice.

(Stay tuned for a write up of The David Dearinger Memorial, Swinging for Sarcoma Charity Golf Outing).

So --- how about what’s freshest on my brain???

I got to spend this last weekend with my sister, Lauren.

And it was FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!

Lauren’s studly boyfriend is in The National Guard.

Tyler is training to serve our country now (Thank you Tyler!!!), and Lauren is missing him terribly. Relating to that feeling 110% I decided that she and I should get away on our first ever girl trip. Lauren decided (no lie) that she’d like to FINALLY check out this NASCAR thing since I’ve made a huge deal over it for most of her life. The next thing I knew we were INDY bound baby!

(Rooting on the #2 truck and car)

As you can see – she fit right in. Her Facebook status was this after just one day’s worth: My sister managed to do it… I love this racin’ stuff. Just like her love of tall men – she’s just like me in many ways. I’m so proud! ;)

We met the nicest Hoosiers while we were there. We tailgated with them both days. They were so kind. They even kept us well fed. I love NASCAR! You can only find people that kind in this sport! Thanks again guys!!!

After mentioning that we were 9.5 years apart, one of then asked which one of us were older! WOW did that make me feel good! REAL GOOD!

Then I caught myself gawking at this smokin’ hot driver, Brian Scott.

Yeah – he’s 23. Now I feel old again. WOOPS! Nice though right!

I cannot figure why I am drawn to the drivers with the worst luck. Maybe it’s because I can relate so well? Anyway, Brian and my longtime fav Elliott Sadler both are well known for their bad luck. You know, like this…

This is E.S. hovering over his freshly wrecked car after his qualifying attempt. He more than made up for it during the race only to have his bad luck strike again right at the end. As Dave would say, “Ain’t that the kick in the dick!” Yep honey, it sure is. Dave used to say all the time that Elliott (being also his favorite driver) had his luck --- none at all. Still holding true to that… Maybe next time!?! Here is hoping!!!!

Anyway, after a amazing weekend away at the races with my sister I am back home to reality. =/ Blahhh!!! Lauren says she is ready to go again though! Anybody up for a road trip to Bristol, TN at the end of the month? ;) We are!

Have a good one all!

Amy

Saving Amy by Brantley Gilbert with lyrics on screen

Thanks Lauren for sharing this song.

I LOVE it --- And you....

Fix You...

Life is so funny sometimes. I am so completely full of mixed emotions these days. Saturday I almost stayed home by myself instead of going to a party hosted by a beautiful young couple who are about to be parents for the first time. I almost stayed home simply because of how bad it hurts seeing them have the life I have dreamt of for YEARS. How silly right!?! I could not be more thrilled for this little couple. They are so ready and so deserving.

Although seeing them and many of their friends living the life I want stings a bit, I am glad I went. And instead of crying private tears as I walk into my lonely home that evening I felt hopeful. I felt encouraged that one day I could be living that life I want so badly as well. And I am thankful to have great examples such as this couple to guide me in my journey. So congratulations T & D. I cannot wait to meet baby BOY (my guess) H!

In a nutshell – this healing process isn’t quick or easy but it does feel good.

With love,

The encouraged -Amy-

Driving it home...

Hey guys! Happy Hump day!!!

I’m straying away from my typical post today and “driving home” a message near and dear to my heart.

Friday is the final day to get registered for The David Dearinger Memorial, Swinging for Sarcoma Charity Golf Outing. Note: Late registrations will be accepted however your gift bag may not include the same items as the participants who registered by July 1st.

2009 was the first year this event was held. This was David’s “baby”. He loved golf, he loved Boone Links and above all he loved helping people. He hated sarcoma and the life it stole from him. But what he hated even more is the life it stole from others. And this is true. I haven’t kept David’s selflessness a secret on this blog so I’m sure that comes as no shock to you. That year we had 144 golfers and 22 more join us for dinner. We used almost every golf cart the course owned and literally drank them out of beer. We were a large united front all there for David ensuring that he mark his giant footprint into the path leading to a cure for sarcoma.

Last year was a lot different. I was sad and uninspired. Although I am grateful we held the event in 2010, I did little to see it be the success David dreamed for. Last year we had just 44 participants. And to those 44 --- THANK YOU! Almost every one of you is returning for 2011 and that is WONDERFUL!!! I promise to those returning that you will be pleased with the improvements.

With that said, my inspiration is back. Let’s do this friends!!! I guess I am begging for your support. For Dave – begging is certainly not beneath me. To this day there isn’t anything I won’t do for him.

This year we already have several more golfers than in 2010. (A BIG thank you to those who have already registered!) Not to mention – this year is truly the best year yet thanks to the AMAZING Josh Davis and Steve Cooper. The golf entry fee is same as last year. $90.00 includes a $25.00 donation to The Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative, 18 holes of golf, golf cart, lunch, dinner, beverages (including draft beer), gift bag, door prizes, Sarcoma Knows No Borders bracelet, a chance at $10,000 hole-in- one prize, and a whole lot more! Talk about getting a big bang for your buck!

Just in case you need a little reassurance…

* 18 hole of golf + a cart at Boone Links is $40.00
* Estimated lunch, dinner and drinks (including draft beer) is $25.00
* Your charitable (tax deductible) donation to The Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative = $25.00

That is a full days worth of fun – food – beverages and a good deed folks all for $90.00!

If golf isn’t your thing but you would like to join in the after scramble festivities you are welcome to do so. Dinner and beverage only registrations are available for just $25.00.

Golfers have an opportunity to win $10,000 at the hole-in-one competition and everyone can purchase a raffle ticket (1 ticket for $5 or 3 tickets for $10) to win a 42” Class 1080P LCD HD TV worth $699.00 and much much more! I don’t want to spoil all the surprises. =D

With that said, please get registered today!

Registrations can be completed online at (this link) or you may click (this link) to print off, complete and mail in your registration.

Thank YOU for your consideration and helping me live out David’s dream of a sarcoma free world in his memory.

With hope,

Amy

What I miss…

What I miss about being in love with my best friend:

Before I jump right into this I want to first state that I will ALWAYS be in love with David. Always. I believe that is the most challenging part about moving on with another potential love. It is a lot to ask someone to accept that I never fell out of love with my first husband and that he will always “own” a part of my heart. It would take a very strong, confident, compassionate and loving guy to accept that. And let’s face it… at 32 – MOST (I pray not all) of those guys are happily settled down in a wonderful relationship.

So here I am. Alone.

And being alone can easily turn to misery for a girl like me. I have the BEST friends and family in the world. Truly remarkable! But I need more.

David and I were BEST friends who happened to be 110% compatible intimately. And this my friends was by far the GREATEST combination.

And I miss that…

So so much!

I miss never being self-conscious because I knew I had someone at home that loved me no matter what. I could have had bed head, no makeup on, dark circles under the eyes and cellulite and he LOVED me that way. He loved me all fancied up and cute and he also loved me all Kim Kardashian ugly cry faced (oh yeah – I have one of those U-G-L-Y cry faces). That kind of unconditional love and adoration is about the best feeling in the world to have. I am SO grateful to have had that for 13 fantastic years.

The idea of wearing uncomfortable, sexy underwear and reapplying makeup frequently makes me cringe. Don’t get me wrong – feeling good about my appearance is important to me now that I have time for such things. But being reliant on that is horrible. I don’t want someone to love me because my makeup is just perfect, my boobs perky and my love handles are gone. I want someone to admire me the way David did. To care more about what is on the inside of me rather than the outside and yet be proud of who I am both inside and out.

Seriously --- I realize beggars cannot be choosy and pickins’ are slim. Not to mention my “package” is far from perfect that I’m offering. It’s just that I have come from an immensely great relationship and settling for less than that isn’t an option. Not if I want to be wholly happy and available to offer myself completely as I did with David. There is just no room for self-consciousness. None whatsoever.

So in a nutshell --- my daily wearing of the thong underwear is LONG over with and I'd love for someone special to be just as comfortable with me as I am (or more so even such as the case was with Dave). Yeah – he was THAT great!

If I had to pick one thing I miss most about myself after losing David it would have to be confidence. He made me feel like a rock star. I was his trophy wife in granny panties and all. ;) I pray someday I feel that special again… (Sooner rather than later would be preferred) =D

So – what do you miss most about a better time of your life?

I’m hoping you cannot think of a single thing friend, but if you can --- I encourage you to do all you can to get back to that point. Have hope. I do.

Love ya’s,
-A-

Hall of Fame/Hall of Shame

Hello all.

Welcome welcome weekend! Is it just me or has this been the longest short week ever!?!

This post is inspired by one of the most amazing sarcoma patients I have ever “known”.

Because the unfortunate fact is that EVERYONE will somehow in some way at sometime be affected by cancer --- this article by Jennifer Goodman Lynn is a MUST read. I cannot wait for her book to be released!

So, here is my chance to make note of David and my hall of fame “I know you mean well but…” stories.

Fortunately this is something David and I talked/joked about all the time. He would classify people in two ways. Those who “get it” and those who just DON’T.

Being his voice, here is what he would list as his top “I know you mean well but…” story…

August 2009 – While at a family get-together celebrating a birthday (not his) a certain someone that shares his same D.D. initials looks at him after he had been receiving chemo for just over a month and thoughtlessly and carelessly asks him if he had just got a haircut after noticing his then bald head. God’s honest – swear on a bible truth. I was dumbfounded and appalled and therefore have no recollection of what his response was. I do however remember exactly how this made him feel as that was the discussion on the ride home that afternoon. Needless to say, the phrase, “It’s pretty obvious how little my illness and wellbeing runs through her mind” were used. And there I was for the millionth time serving as his live-in Band-Aid patching up that completely unnecessary wound.

But on a MUCH lighter note: The very best story which was shared already in his CaringBridge journal but I will share it once again here…

March 4, 2010 (8 days before his death) --- Thursday is an unusual day for us to be at Dr. Mannion’s office. Thursday is Dr. M’s day to work at the Hyde Park, Ohio office. We were only there because David needed treatment of his severe dehydration. SO – we met new people. There was a “mid-forty’s” I’d say couple, and the husband battles Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. He was very friendly and extremely saddened to hear of David’s 3 year struggles, and even more so – the prognosis. David was done with his fluids before this gentleman was done with his chemotherapy. As we were leaving, I went to the other side of the room to get David’s walker. You see, today was the first day David used his walker in public. He’s rocked his pimp cane, but the walker was just too much for him. Today, without a choice – he swallowed his pride. I guess the wife could read David’s humiliation all over his face. She looked up at him from her supportive seat next to her husband and said “everyone needs an iron horse to lean on now and again.” I don’t even know what her name is, but that women made my day, and I’m sure his as well. She falls into the “get it” category David talks about all the time. To that woman from today – God bless you! I bet David will never again have that same look of humiliation on his face while reaching out for his “iron horse.” I have you to thank for that! THANK YOU!

I still get tears in my eyes thinking of that precious moment. Yes my love – She “get’s it”…

As for me – here is my top “I know you mean well but…” story.

The week of March 22nd, 2010 (my first week back to work after David’s death) --- An old colleague paid me a visit to check on me. We talked briefly about Dave’s life, his hard-fought battle, and the tragedy of his death. What came next will be something I will never forget. He looked at me and said, “Aim, don’t shut yourself off from another love. You are young and you need to get back out there.” Although what he said was factual (as I now see) his timing could not be more inappropriate. I literally wanted to poke his eyes out at that moment!!!

As for my best moment… (Grab a tissue)

Tuesday evening March 9th, 2010 (the calm before the storm day) --- My Dad pulls up at the front entrance of the hospital after taking care of my dogs and rooting thru my underwear drawer (which we all know he HATED doing) while packing me a bag. By this time it was evident my stay at the hospital was unfortunately going to last the duration of David’s life. I then go out to meet him as David had a very busy day full of visitors, stories and laughter. He was exhausted and sleeping soundly so Dad didn’t come up. Dad got out of his truck acting noticeably different. He was full of supportive looks and gestures but my dad being his quiet self couldn’t find the words to say what was on his mind. All he could manage to say was, “do you know the Sugarland song called “Fall into me”? I didn’t. He then said that he wanted me to listen to it and remember I don’t have to do this all alone. He was there.

There are very few things in this world that I enjoy more than music, so that day there wasn’t anything better Daddy Timbo could say.

So for all my friends and family --- You are not alone in your struggles either, fall into me…

Have a great weekend all,

With love,

Amy

There is nothing like forgiveness to resurrect the soul…

I’m back.

It was FUN!!!

So --- with that said, I shall not go any further into this entry without thanking my amazingly generous parents for treating me to such a trip. Have I mentioned I hit the parent lottery?!?

I had a blast --- gained 5 pounds. No kidding.

I ate and drank and drank and ate. I tanned and swam and swam and tanned. Most of all --- I smiled and laughed and laughed and smiled.

And now I am home…

Don’t get me wrong --- there isn’t many things that can compare to the unconditional love two dogs show you after a week’s worth of your absence. Truly a “feel good” feeling. But --- as I said, if my dogs’ love could get it for me I’d be set for life.

I drove most of the way home yesterday. That is a lot of driving, but the control freak in me (which is a newfound issue I completely blame on cancer) doesn’t mind being behind the wheel rather than the backseat driver.

Anyway, all the “road time” leaves your mind with a lot of opportunity to think. And that is just what I did. I decided that rather than feeling sorry for myself I’d do something about my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong --- it isn’t like I can snap my fingers and make everything better. Let’s face it --- I would have used that trick 4+ years ago! But --- sitting around all frowned faced isn’t gonna do a damn thing to help either.

I’m nearly 32 years old and I’m miserable. I own a tiny house that most months I struggle to afford. I have two oil drinking rust-buckets in the driveway (both without operating air-conditioning) and cannot even think about affording a new vehicle. Oh – and my career. Yep – I sell (using the word sell loosely) the stuff that is thought to have caused my late husband’s cancer. When I say sell --- well I am an “order taker” who knows a little something about growing grass. Wow. That obviously isn’t cutting it (no pun intended) cause I obviously have a cash flow issue.

And as shitty as all that reads --- it’s nothing new. I have had most of those hang-ups for over four years now. The difference NOW being is that I wasn’t alone. Those weren’t just MY issues. They were OUR issues. And together everything was tolerable.

So what now --- sit around feeling sorry for myself? Uhhhh… HELL NO!

I must do something about it. There are no other choices. I need direction. I need God. I need a path to happiness. I am the LAST person to ask for help. I have a pride issue much like David did. I prefer to figure things out on my own. But maybe – just maybe that is my problem?!? Maybe I need a little more God in my life? I know I am a whole lot less pissed at Him these days. As a matter of fact – I carry no resentment toward Him at all. I don’t have to like God’s plan but I do have to trust in it. And I do.

So --- Big Guy… This is me submitting my stubborn self to You. I give. You are the Boss. I get it. I’m not pleading for miracles anymore. I just ask for direction in my life to achieve the happiness I feel I deserve. So I guess I’m placing an order. I’m not picky. You know me. I want another loving husband and at least one child and I’m hoping this is in Your plan for me. I don’t care a thing about money. I love my little house and I usually love my cheep ole rusty car but when it feels a little less like a HOT BOX as it does in the HOT-HUMID summer months. I just want an informal little life with a happy family rich in faith and love alone. So – please pave the path. I am putting on my hiking boots and am ready to follow. Thank You and Amen…

And thank you to my fellow sarcoma widow friend, Jess who always inspires me (like this) to reach into my bruised faith and set aside the pain and hurt I’ve felt for so long now. Jess, you are amazing and although I HATE why our lives have connected, I am extremely thankful that they have.

Back to reality folks. The alarm is set and I’ll be back to order taking in the AM. That is if one of the rust-buckets will get me there. ;)

And thankfully --- now that I’ve gotten all that out, it’s feeling a bit better to be home.

Oh – and God, this one’s for you…

Love to all…

-Amy-

Friday, May 20th --- Destin, FL